Archives for February 2020

The war slogan that inspire us… its history and application today

Everyday is a test — — of my resolve to keep calm and carry on doing things that I have to do. Everyday brings with it new demands. When one lot of work gets done, you bet another one will pop up whether it is office matters or personal challenges and pose a barrier to your otherwise perfect day.

I try to take it in my stride. Sometimes they are not my problems but others. But I always feel that Providence has been so kind to me in that I have managed to overcome most of my obstacles in my own way without much disastrous effects. Then it is my obligation as a mortal being to lessen the suffering of others in little ways that I can offer.

It helps if I keep calm. I am by nature anxious, excitable, worrying and impatient. Those are not ingredients for a placid mind but age has a blunting effect on our emotions. To be more accurate, one has to experience certain amount of vicissitudes of living to become stronger and attain a peaceful mind. In Asia, we call that ‘Having eaten more salt than rice” as the old folks would say. Translated as ‘seen much, done much’, nothing surprises anymore. Not even a crisis. Everything will turn out all right.

Whatever life brings, “Keep calm and carry on”. One day, I received as a gift a laptop cover with these words. I chanced upon the origin of this phrase while surfing the internet.

History of the slogan “ Keep calm and Carry on”

In 1939, with the threat of WWII against Germany looming, the British government commissioned the design of war propaganda posters to raise the morale of the public in case of massive air attacks on major cities.

It features a king’s crown, a symbol of the state, set against a red background with the words “Keep calm and carry on”.

2 1/2 million copies were printed but the posters were not sanctioned for immediate public display and placed in Cold Storage even though the War raids happened. After the war, the prints were largely pulped to save paper.

In 2000, an original copy was somehow discovered under some books at an auction by a bookseller, Stuart Marley and his Wife. The couple who bought it , decided to frame it and put in the shop. Lots of people liked it and wanted to buy .

Eventually they made copies for sale and sales soared. Other companies started to use it as a theme for many products with these five words appearing on mugs, bags, t-shirts even to this day.

There was so much interest that it even sparked a trademark war.Almost 80 years on, the phrase that was supposed to be a propaganda of that era has undergone a dramatic change. Originally, it was to show a kind of British trait , a bravado in the face of war , that literally would call for them to ‘ pull together, have a cup of tea and get on with it” This slogan has found its place all over the world in times of personal and national crises even today.

Now, because of commercialism, this phrase has been trivialized- you see products, slogans , speeches using this phrase and they have added their own concept. One says

• keep calm and drink tea -Mug
• Keep calm and call Mom- sticker
• Keep calm and sit down -chair …… and so on….

Whatever the modified phrase is, it calls out for us to remain calm in the event of adversity, difficulty or crisis. That is the start of resolving or alleviating a problem. No amount of shouting or crying or complaining helps. Such behavior would only muddles the mind.

“Set peace of mind as your highest goal and organize your life around it”—-Brian Tracy

I think that this phrase reflects an important attitude to life that we all should adopt. In a crisis of any sorts, life still have to go on, so keep calm , you can think better! Then carry on and do your best!

I almost think this should be on everyone’s lips. Problems don’t go away- they wait to get solved with a calm mind. It is very testy, mind you. It is easier said than done and that is the challenge.

In my clinical session, patients are often nervous and some would actually feel faint. Even if the job is difficult, a dentist should always keep calm or would add anxiety to the patient. We smile, joke a little, speak gently and move slowly all to put the patient at ease. With that mentality, the problem is often resolved without any issue as the patient becomes more co-operative.

So many times I have to keep my cool when problems erupt whether it involves myself or my loved ones. I may be in the midst of my work or on a vacation. Nothing should break my peace because I know and trust that things would turn out alright. Even if it does not, something good would come out of it. So, there are rarely disruptions in my life at least mentally and emotionally because it is all in our mind to control any upheaval. That is the way to live.

I can attest to this personal growth and after 30 years, I am still reaping its benefits.

I have been a Toastmaster for close to thirty years. Though my progress in public speaking has been slow due to my own degree of participation, I have improved markedly over the last few years.

Now, I do not dread taking up speech projects when asked. I am more aware of the requirements of the speech and have often met its objectives which is part of the training of Toastmasters. Most important, I have managed to let go of my crutch which is my script or my notes. By doing that, I have learnt to control my fear of public speaking, appear more authentic and courageous by engaging the audience as well as ad lib where necessary. I have not fainted as feared because of the loss of words sometimes.

I am glad that I did not give up on this activity and unlikely to ever do so. Some of us are old timers, mostly in their fifties and sixties and are still reaping the joy and benefits of being Toastmasters. There are good reasons if you would read on….

Real stories of members

1 Member A lost her job recently but was able to secure a new job although she was already in her sixties. During her job interview, she stood out among her younger contenders. She knew that her chances were slim but she is capable. Being a long time Toastmaster had built her self confidence, mindfulness and poise. She told the interviewers after the discussion, “ Please do not judge me by my age but by my performance” . She got the job and have proven her worth since. She attributed a large part of her success to Toastmasters activity.

2 Another senior member B is nearing seventy years old. She is still working in the financial sector and doing well. She has won awards and company trips. She has attributed her success in her career to being a Toastmaster too. The public speaking skills acquired have helped her in doing sincere and succinct presentation to her clients. Not forgetting the listening skills that are developed when you participate in the club. When there is clarity, there is understanding of her products and services.

3 I have also watched new Toastmasters who are not that articulate when they first joined the club. But they have persistence and passion to achieve the ability to communicate well with the audience. Though English language may not be their mother tongue, yet at least three of them became champions in our club speech contests at different times beating the native speakers.

4 It was personal growth that I have gained. I have become less self conscious and am able to articulate my points in a more organized manner though I think that there is still plenty of room for improvement in terms of persuasiveness. It is a knack that will take more time to acquire and I only have myself to blame for not being more active in my club’s program in my earlier years. I feel that I am having a nice career. Aside from doing my best clinically, I am able to explain to my patients in a very clear and systematic way so that they would understand their condition and treatment. So far, my clinical sessions have been smooth going.

Why Toastmasters is so effective and beneficial

Like my fellow members, I must credit Toastmasters activity to my full development as a better communicator and the reasons are as follows-

1 A very good club environment where members come from diverse backgrounds so there is so much to learn in one meeting. A fantastic networking opportunity as well and a ready positive audience.

2 A very comprehensive program with guidance from structured manuals. This enables the members to grow at their own pace- You hastened your own progress if you volunteer to take on speech projects more regularly and prepare diligently. The projects also have increasing levels of difficulty which is a good challenge to attain greater heights in presentation.

3 A mentor- mentee system where the mentor could hone his critical judging skills to advise his mentee in a constructive and sensitive manner. The mentee receives very useful feedback from an experienced member and feels supported to achieve his goals.

4 A toastmaster that takes part in the Chapter meetings has a chance to play a different role each time and build up different significant skills. The role players for the evening range from;

a) Sergeant at arms who starts the club meetings rolling and gets everyone warmed up with a short speech on a certain theme. He or she also takes care of the logistics.

b) The emcee who is the Toastmasters of the evening introduces the speakers and ensure that the club meetings run according to the program sheet.

c) The table topics master dishes out topics for members to speak extemporaneously so that we all learn to speak off the cuff . With constant practice, we could organize our ideas with a good message to boot.

d) The timer-keeper keeps track of the time each speaker has taken so that each speaker speaks within the time allotted and the meeting ends on time.

e) The ah counter counts fillers which are unnecessary time wasters like ‘Um”, “ you see” and so on. Members are fined S$1 if more than five fillers are uttered to add to the club’s coffers.

e) A few project speakers are appointed for the meeting and they are expected to deliver their prepared speeches.

f) Evaluators who are usually experienced Toastmasters are appointed to give feedback on the speakers for their further improvement. As they say, “ One may be too close to the forest to see the trees” and most speakers do not see their own flaws such as a speech content or delivery flaw or poor gestures and postures or lack of.

g) Language Evaluator or Grammarian would evaluate the use or misuse of the English language so that all members would be encouraged not to make the same mistakes again in terms of grammar, syntax, words choice, pronunciation, etc. I feel that Toastmasters activity is an extension of learning English in schools in a more in-depth manner.

h) The General evaluator gives feedback on the whole night’s proceedings such as how the meeting is being run, the performance by role players, the food and add if any to the constructive feedback of any speakers as well as make further suggestions for future meetings.

i) We must not forget the President of the club who has the privilege of being a leader and has the duty of giving the opening speech as well as the closing address. He or she would have the opportunity of giving at least twenty speeches in his or her term. The improvement becomes obvious for each president as I have witnessed over the years. It was my term as the club’s President that I learnt to lose my script or crutch as I called it, feeling better than ever. I also develop the increasing ease with which I could craft a seven minute speech. It is the training that comes with the duty of this role.

j) Aside from the individual responsibility as a member, the club has an exco committee that meets regularly to plan events for its members. Here, we groom ourselves into leaders and organizers. The club activities could evolve and a new committee is formed each year under a new President (committee members may volunteer for another role such as treasurer or secretary, etc) and the club could continue to benefit its members and new comers.

Hidden Advantages

1 Due to the need to prepare for the project speeches, the member has to read more. This can only be beneficial as one has to put on the thinking cap. Reading is often neglected once a person graduates from school. He or she becomes involved only with the job and hobby and have forgotten that the greatest treasure and wisdom lies in reading. Being a Toastmaster will revive this need and develop the interest. This greatly helps in writing a good speech content.

2 Aside from learning and delivering the presentation skills, subtle improvements such as time keeping of one’s speech is acquired. This is very important as I have come across speakers who have no respect for the time allotted to them and allowed their presentation to eat into the audience’s breaktime. The audience have by then already tuned him or her out!

There was once, the speaker before me took 30 minutes of my speech time and hence dinner was further delayed following my presentation. I condensed my speech which became hurried but I had to alleviate the situation by telling everyone that I understood that our sugar levels were getting low and to bear with me while I tried to be concise. The audience laughed.

3 Toastmasters club provides many roles. When a member emcees the meeting, he or she learns to rise to the occasion with grace. He introduces the speaker appropriately and make sure that the lectern is properly handed over to the next speaker. There is smooth transition from one speaker to another and also between different parts of the program. The Toastmaster of the evening as we call him or her can make or break the meeting. This is a very important skill that is often needed in corporate meetings and therein lies the secret training available in our club!

4 You may think that you are not cut for public speaking. I used to think so too. As a dentist, my opportunity to speak outside my field is limited. We do not jaw enough, so to speak. Hence, my decision to join Toastmasters and it is the best thing that I have done in my life. Building self confidence, a new skill and developing the sense of well being are just some things money cannot buy.

5 An astute listener and critical thinker is what you may become. Since you need to evaluate your speaker, you must learn to listen well and observe their manner of delivery. Listening is key to a successful negotiation in business too. By listening with a heart and thinking critically so that you can give a constructive feedback to your fellow member for him to perform better is the best gift . These acquired traits would also make your family happy too as you become more mindful and sensitive to others.

Begin your journey with Toastmasters International now. I am not appealing for this action with any commercial benefits involved but purely out of the good that Toastmasters has done for me. I want to spread this great activity that is the brainchild of Ralph Smedley and you can read about how this movement have benefited countless all over the world.

Public Speaking is as necessary as the need to be able to swim to survive in the water. In the corporate world, the people with the ideas and the communication skills to advocate them are the winners. But to put forth your knowledge in an impressive and succinct manner simply makes one unbeatable.

Are you afraid of speaking in public

Do you notice people who can speak well do well too?

Do you wish to communicate your ideas in an impressive manner?

Do you want to make a difference but am held back by the lack of skills in speaking?

There are Toastmasters club in 143 countries today. Find out in your community.

As Nike says, “ Do it now”

Ralph Smedley, the founder of Toastmasters International

SIM II Toastmasters Club in Singapore

Do not underestimate the power of this skill

Personal history

Something was missing in my life when I was young. I was a real introvert, just doing my stuff quietly and always shadowing others. However, I always wanted good things for myself at least a reputable school.

I managed to get into reputable schools from a young age by the skin of my teeth where the grades just made it but I was greatly disillusioned with myself. At these schools, you would see talented young people since the schools are highly ranked. Some of my classmates were articulate, well read and rich. Many were not rich but they were highly intelligent. Some of them could even waxed poetical and some were simply mathematics geniuses. I was neither knowledgeable nor rich nor vocal and that truly put me in a disadvantaged position. To make matters worse, I was a stutterer.

On top of that, many of these outstanding students were also well rounded excelling in sports and extra curricular activities They were clearly leaders of tomorrow. I realized one hard truth — the world favors the rich, the smart and the outstanding people.

I continued my mediocre journey into the University. During Orientation, we had to go individually onto the stage to introduce ourselves. I almost died , having no experience in public speaking. University orientation was meant to be humiliating to humble the new comers, an odd tradition. Anyway, to cut my agony, I was shooed off the stage. Some brave vocal young classmates of mine performed well and were immediately glorified.

Subsequently after the trauma and the shame, I did not have a voice largely and chose to keep quiet throughout my next four years. I did not participate in any activities or took on leadership roles as expected. I did not feel equipped. Even until I worked as a graduate dentist.

Taking action

One day, something clicked in me. There was somebody trying to get out of me and it was trying to assert itself. I embarked on my quest to learn public speaking. I first signed up with BBC council for just three sessions. The agonizing part was to be videotaped and watched myself fumbled and mumbled and stuttered. It was embarrassing and brought back painful memories of my inadequate past.

The course ended but not my pursuit of this new dream to be articulate. Everyday after work, I whipped out a book and practised reading aloud for twenty minutes to control my stuttering. Sometimes, I would tape myself though I hate my voice. It was not melodious enough.

Then I signed up for Dale Carnegie course that was available then. They taught public speaking and assured us that at the end of the ten sessions, we would be able to hold at least a 5 minute speech. On the first session, my self-introduction lasted 9 seconds. Among the students were professionals like myself, directors and managers, executives and office workers. We all had the fear of public speaking.

It was a well -organized course. The instructor’s message was forceful and inspiring each time . After his speech, the stage was ours. Each session, we were given a theme. It was ‘anger’, then ‘sorrow’ then ‘humor’ and so on and we were urged to prepare sincerely for our homework.

It was fun. The sessions were meant to elicit our emotions and in the process caused us to drop our facade and we would become our more authentic selves. We saw the improvement in each other. When the course ended, I felt that I have improved judging from the increased time I spent delivering my speech. No mean feat for an introvert.

The fear of public speaking never went away. So the quest to hone public speaking skill had to continue. It was during this time, I came across a Toastmasters club ( SIM II Toastmasters Club )which was gaining popularity among many clubs in Singapore. Toastmasters clubs are part of Toastmasters International, a non profit organization, first started by Ralph Smedley in the US in 1924.

Its purpose was to develop public speaking and leadership skills. But over the years, one develops increased confidence, listening skills, networking and many other intrinsic benefits. Today, it has become a movement with 357,000 members in 143 countries.

Benefits

That was in 1990 when I first joined SIM II Toastmasters club. Almost thirty years later, I am still with the club and we have certainly evolved. In the process of being a Toastmaster, we have taken on many roles during our chapter meetings from President to Vice president of Education to treasurer to secretary and so on. Each has its responsibilities and we learned new things other than our jobs. Most important, we learnt how to present a structured relevant speech that engages the audience, within the time allowed and speak with a good control of our nervousness if any.

During the chapter meetings, we also learn the proper and good use of English language which I find ever charming to my ears. Postures, gestures were all considered. We improve through the evaluations by more experienced fellow Toastmasters members and there is a mentor system as well to help new members get started.

Due to the diverse culture in the club and the sharing of ideas through project speeches, each member gains tremendous knowledge from outside their field and a better understanding of fellow members.

Significance of public speaking

I can attest to the benefits of Toastmasters.

People who joined public speaking courses and are willing to work at this craft would see tremendous personal growth. I have witnessed new members who came in without a system so to speak of putting across their ideas undergo change when they do their project speeches. A structured manual is given to new members. Once they get started, they should improve on the next speech following the evaluations given to them during the previous presentation.

Two members from China who were not particularly articulate at first but due to their own diligence emerged champions in club contests. The experience and recognition were also important attributes of their resumes. Subsequently, they have also advanced in their careers.

I have benefited much too. I feel more confident and have a sense of well being — — of being able to communicate effectively, of being able to negotiate better and understand others better as they may not be able to express themselves well. I have also succeeded in losing my ‘crutch’ which is my script to appear more professional. I have reduced my time fillers which are words of no meaning but used to fill silence during speaking such as ‘um’ , ‘ah’ and ‘you know’.

As a dental surgeon, I am able to explain succinctly my protocol to my patients and also handle any misunderstanding with ease. It all boils down to effective communication. Patients leave the practice happily, understanding the treatment they have received and this translates into more referrals. Everyday, it has been a pleasant working time.

The reality is that people at the top and in key positions are often people who are articulate. They are seen as leaders who dare to speak and can lead the followers. The truth is that people who can communicate well are seen as more friendly and attractive. The certainty is that you will have more success in what you want to achieve.

The ball is in your court

Do you want measurable personal growth?

Do you want to build self confidence and a sense of well being?

Do you want to advance rapidly in your career?

Do you want to be able to tell your stories and enthrall your audience?

Do you want to make more friends?

Do you want more opportunities in life?

Do you want to be respected for your ability to communicate?

Do you want to become more mindful everyday?

The benefits are immeasurable. I noticed that those members who brought younger children to observe the club meetings( they are not allowed to be members until 21 years old) improved in subtle ways. By inviting them to stand up and introduce themselves, it is a good start to becoming future toastmasters.

I followed these children and found that they have gone on to do well in school, participating in their school story telling contests. One teenager developed good communication skills and confidence enough to start a magic performance career.

Whether young or old, working or retired, public speaking is an essential skill to master. Life is so much more interesting when one is able to communicate well. Misunderstandings could be averted. Instructions could be carried out to a T. Opportunities opened up suddenly. This IS the secret to success and not many people are even aware of it.

The founder of Toastmasters International

SIM II Toastmasters club in Singapore

ways to increase your ideas are within your reach

I wrote several titles down in my draft but when I started typing, I drifted from topic to topic with nothing flowing from my pen. I went no further than a few sentences. I did not panic. It was not the end. Everything would be temporary. Suddenly, I became enlightened and I began to write about ‘mental block’.

It is not unusual to have a blank in our minds. That happened many times during my exams in University days due to the stress of studying. I was too anxious about the performance. When I looked back at the questions later, I would often regret greatly. I knew that I could have done much better even without mugging. The intensiveness of the situation had robbed me of the clarity of mind. All I needed was to relax, spot my questions, used my common sense. I had done regular studies anyway.

I am facing the same situation now and the past flooded back. It had also happened in my public speaking experiences. I would take a deep breath and wait. The mind is a wonderful thing that will serve you well if one does not coerce it too much. Soon the thoughts return. Ideas arise. We just need to believe in ourselves. When caught in a ‘stucked’ situation during writing, I learned to do the following…

1 Seek your strength in solitude. A quiet place, a corner, any place where you are unlikely to be interrupted and you will ease into a situation of mental activity that is not only productive but also far sighted. For me, it could be in the washroom sitting on the water closet, sitting at my desk even lying on the floor or bed. Just by myself.

2 Do not badger yourself over the loss of words. Get in touch with your feelings, your thoughts and your desires. Even a minute of meditation or a power nap does wonders. I am currently sitting at my desk in my room at 12.30am and ideas just flow. There are many ways to release your thoughts.

3 Sometimes I would play some music on my laptop while typing my story. I prefer soft music, something sentimental, sometimes classic that somehow elevates my mood and sets the tempo. It is as if my fingers are typing in tandem with the rhythm of the piece.

Once, I listened to a saxophone piece by Kenny G which was used as the background music to my recorded scuba diving tape and suddenly the wonderful underwater experience in the Maldivian waters played in my mind. There is something to write about.

4 The waft of aromatherapy even comes into play. To calm my senses, let flow the thoughts as I ruminate about the day, the week or the past. Positive or negative events, the aroma usually wakes my brain, sometimes it soothes it and I am able to narrate the incidents with a positive perspective of viewing them. Suddenly, I have so many stories to tell.

5 I found that old photos have a magical effect of evoking certain emotions that can spark a whole line of thinking. I marvelled at how time razed past me, how youth was especially a beautiful and special time. Getting older can make one more sanguine, it all depends on yourself. Youth was marked by a lot of angst and anguish because of the folly of youth. But as they say, they are only lessons from which we emerged better beings.

Judging from the amount of travel that my husband and I who are travel bugs did, the pictures make for innumerable interesting stories if we start to recall them. Travelling is indeed a source of inspiration for the mind.

6 The aroma of food and a delicious drink could stimulate my thinking cap. I am fortunate to have a domestic helper who is a great cook. I always said she is a Michelin one star cook. I watched her prepare her ingredients with great care and combination. Then the cooking began and she could transform those stuff into an art of a dish with an exquisite taste to go with. One time, my spouse was waxing poetical as if he had ascended to food heaven. My helper and I were totally amused how good food could elicit such a reaction. This incident or the cook herself and her intensive passion in culinary matters could well be an exhausting article to write about.

7 Now an idea pops up. Yes, it is walking which has a positive effect on creativity. A Stanford study has shown walking benefits one by boosting our ideas. Personally, whenever I feel stuck, I would walk to the kitchen, get a drink, move about in the garden for a while. Sometimes, I would go for my short brisk walking near my home and come back often with fresh ideas. That was an instinctive thing that I do.

Who says we have no ideas about what to write. Your five senses are your keys to writing. Use them. Most important, breathe and relax your whole being and see that every situation is temporary. Journaling has allowed me to get in touch with myself. These days, my mental blocks have decreased. Words, names , ideas, understanding, etc comes to me. It is a matter of patience and those steps mentioned may expedite it.

It is possible…. ignore the negative narratives

Conflict with in laws have been going on for eternity. Some gets resolved, others resulted in bitter disputes even causing the marriage to end between the couple.

The conventional thinking is that in law problems are between the man’s mother and the daughter-in -law but it can happen with the son-in-law and between the men too. In any case, we are all human beings with our own sensitivities, likes and prejudices.

I have encountered at least two situations where the marriages ended because of this family conflict . This is very likely to happen if they stay together under one roof and do not operate as an individual family unit, independent of each other and failing to respect each other .

One friend in her thirties told me that after she got married , her mother in law A was always coming in between to give her two cents worth on everything. The couple could never have privacy to discuss the solution to their problems.

It is not far fetched to say that there was a real case of mother in law B who came into the room to cuddle her son in the night and that really put off the wife. Some mothers forgot to cut off their apron springs so to speak and see their sons as still needing their love and care.

The interference intensified when children came into the picture. Now, the grandchildren were so loved by the grandmother that they could do no wrong. How could the young ones be taught some moral and ethical lessons when needed?

The typical Asian grandmother ( not all )would kick and beat the chair or the floor should the child fall hence the chair takes the blame. When the child grew up, he or she would not take the blame for any wrongdoing.

In another case, mother in law C warned my young friend that she did not want to see her son help in any housework as he was not brought up to do so. Stress simmered and with time, the marriage ended. Her expectation was that the wife should serve him and not turn him into a part time housewife.

Such parochial thinking but it happens often in Asian families where the woman is expected to be subservient and the man rules the house. In some Asian families, the males continue to stay with the parents even until late adulthood, not picking up personal responsibilities.

So one can imagine that in today’s world if the woman is also working, she would have to shoulder additional burden, that of work and housework and children as well as old folks. Even if there is a domestic helper, it is always handy to have a trained hubby to chip in as helpers do not stay with the family forever and they come with different abilities and may pose another challenge. All said, everyone should try to be useful.

There are cases of uncaring daughters in law or sons in law too. Having had comfortable lives in their own homes, they were not aware that getting married is a whole load of responsibilities and challenges. Being aware of this and doing what is dutiful and right would lead to a very cordial and happy relationship with the in laws.

So , how does one navigate this tricky affair? I guess we could approach from the perspective of the young couple and then the in-laws.

From the young couple ;

If feasible, it is best to stay on your own but with the respect and blessings of your in laws- as the saying goes, absence makes the hearts fonder.

The less contact you have, the less friction there will be. You could also always stay near your in-laws. I have seen much potential problems averted by smart in-laws who know not to butt into another family’s business. Unless help is requested .

1 Be wise — Always be polite and considerate. Even if you get caught up by work, make time to visit your inlaws, buy a little gift, share a little joke. This will strengthen the ties with them overtime.

2 Be positive– not every suggestion by your in law is an interference. Some points are valid. Acknowledge them , adopt them and thank them for it. Your in laws have more life experiences and can see the forest more than trees. They usually meant good especially when their own son’s or daughter’s welfare is involved.

3 keep your lines of communication open with your spouse. Don’t bear grudges. Discuss with your other half any issue amicably without criticizing his or her parents. If your in law has a less than ideal suggestion, thank her anyway and let her know that you would be trying your own way first. At least he or she would know that you are listening to him or her. Never bicker with your spouse in front of them or it would invite their interception.

From the parents who become in laws

1 Stop interfering in the matters of younger people and let them sort out themselves. The worst thing is to take sides and create more enemies. Be mindful that they are already adults who can solve their own problems.

2 Don’t nag about anything. Young working couple has stress of work as well as adjustment to a marriage and if there have kids, the situation may become more challenging. Offer help when and where they are needed. Give advice when requested.

3 Live by example. Be the role model parents that the young couple aspire to be. It is indeed heartening to see our parents always loving and get along well. This would encourage them to put in effort in their relationship too.

4 Shower love and respect. If you tend to hug your son or daughter, don’t forget to show some affection to his or her spouse too. Respect their wishes, dreams and hopes and expect the same from them.

Peace and harmony will prevail in any family if people make it a point to see and do things with the other party in consideration. The steps listed above would work wonders for the relationship with your in-laws.

The best is yet to be!

Stop saying, “ I am getting old!” Do you know what is the most frightening thing about aging? No, it is not the wrinkled look nor the aches and pains nor the lack of money, it is the lack of passion for life.

When a person grows older and exhibit that ‘Been there, done that attitude’ or lament, ‘ I am too old now’, his or her cup is full- there is nothing else that can thrill them anymore. The world is just a shade of gray.

In my society, when people hit sixty, they qualify as a senior and are accorded some privileges like discounts on medical care, shopping , transport and so on. It is the season to celebrate.

You have time on your hands. Your children are now older and your duties as their parents are done. You have gone through and survive the vicissitudes of life. You know that nothing is really so terrible that you cannot fix as long as you have the fortitude to overcome. It would be great if you still have your health.

But comes sixty, and some ‘older’ people give up trying. It is time to just lay back and enjoy the peace and quiet, for some folks it is after an almost lifetime of struggle. To cut yourself from the corporate world. To be free from the stress of learning new things. But how long can that sustain? Human beings have to continue to strive forward to adapt to the change around us. They need to be engaged with the human race. Life is meant to be a struggle- for betterment of self and society.

When you become too laid back, the world moves forward and soon you really feel that you are isolated. My experience watching others is that some senior people have become very phobic of the digital landscape that they lacked the confidence to leave their homes for their destination, to use the new facilities of the bank, to adjust to new ways of shopping. The outside world has changed but they had stayed stagnant and so become dependent on others which is a regrettable and cumbersome thing.

They become disillusioned when they needed to turn to others to help them to get stuff done. Most of the time, others are coping with the changes and their daily demands as well to put your request as a priority. They become more disappointed and some just withdraw into their own world. It is not too late if you put your time and interest to catch up and start learning. No resting on the laurels all the time.

The best thing as you grow older is never to stop learning and roll with the punches. Take the effort to find out how life is getting better in the modern world and not gripe about the change. Ride on the coat tails of this incredible transformation of our digital age.

Changes come about to make our lives more comfortable and convenient- if only you bother to interest yourself. And do not fear- human beings have great intelligence and propensity to adapt and learn just as they are smart enough to innovate.

One time in Zao of Yamagata, on the beautiful snowy landscape of this resort in Japan, I came across a Japanese couple in their sixties on the observation deck at the highest point of this ski mountain. We all had taken the gondola up. From the gondola, we could see skiers zipped around the frost covered trees known as snow monsters taking in the crisp air and the breathtaking scenery.

From our conversation, I learnt that they have stopped skiing because they had hit sixty. They loved skiing a lot in their younger days but one reason for stopping this sport is that they think that only the younger ones should be doing it. Well, their contemporaries have also retired from active sports too. There were no other reasons other than this self limiting thought. It was a pity as they were a physically healthy couple.

At another winter, my husband and I were at the ski resort of Kiroro in Hokkaido. We met an elderly Caucasian male skier, clearly in his seventh decade skiing with relish. We asked him if he had aches and pain in his knees by this age. Of course he had, he said and chronic injuries to boot. Then how did he manage to ski knowing that skiing can be hard on the knees? He revealed that he would not let anything get in the way of what he loves to do be it age, or physical handicap as long as he was still mobile. Then he revealed his knee replacements that had enabled him to continue his sport . We were indeed inspired by his attitude to enjoy his life.

Similarly, while doing muck diving in Indonesia, I was charmed by an elderly lady in her seventies who continued to scuba dive for leisure. This lady had travelled solo all the way from Canada. I was inspired and told myself I am going to live life to the fullest!

Currently, I have passed sixty a year ago. At my gathering with friends or colleagues, conversation always veered towards aging and its limitations. More talk ensued about finding what is or will go wrong with the body. Then the updating of who had gone before us. Some have forgone physical activities for passive ones to prevent injuries. I guess it is alright as long you are enjoying your new activity but not to stop something because it is the trend to do so at this age.

Given that the life span of elderly can now stretch into the eighties and nineties, I think it is important that as we grow older, our passion do not dim. Not when you love to do that something. Twenty more years is a long time.

When one just turns senior based on a chronological number, I feel the need to do more. The time will come when you would naturally not want to do any more of what you have loved or clearly it is contraindicated or you would have found new interests. But meanwhile, I think it is quite regrettable to look back and tell yourself, “ I wished I had…”

We should take a cue from passionate older people. The world is a beautiful place and we should continue to explore and marvel at nature and the spirit of some human beings. Do not let age limit your imagination. Be inspiring to the young as they embark on their life’s journey and see it as a beautiful one with limitless possibilities.

As we grow older, we become better not bitter.

I would like to share this short quote by Dylan Thomas;

Do not go gentle into that good night

Old age should burn and rave at the close of day

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.