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Do not underestimate the power of this skill

Personal history

Something was missing in my life when I was young. I was a real introvert, just doing my stuff quietly and always shadowing others. However, I always wanted good things for myself at least a reputable school.

I managed to get into reputable schools from a young age by the skin of my teeth where the grades just made it but I was greatly disillusioned with myself. At these schools, you would see talented young people since the schools are highly ranked. Some of my classmates were articulate, well read and rich. Many were not rich but they were highly intelligent. Some of them could even waxed poetical and some were simply mathematics geniuses. I was neither knowledgeable nor rich nor vocal and that truly put me in a disadvantaged position. To make matters worse, I was a stutterer.

On top of that, many of these outstanding students were also well rounded excelling in sports and extra curricular activities They were clearly leaders of tomorrow. I realized one hard truth — the world favors the rich, the smart and the outstanding people.

I continued my mediocre journey into the University. During Orientation, we had to go individually onto the stage to introduce ourselves. I almost died , having no experience in public speaking. University orientation was meant to be humiliating to humble the new comers, an odd tradition. Anyway, to cut my agony, I was shooed off the stage. Some brave vocal young classmates of mine performed well and were immediately glorified.

Subsequently after the trauma and the shame, I did not have a voice largely and chose to keep quiet throughout my next four years. I did not participate in any activities or took on leadership roles as expected. I did not feel equipped. Even until I worked as a graduate dentist.

Taking action

One day, something clicked in me. There was somebody trying to get out of me and it was trying to assert itself. I embarked on my quest to learn public speaking. I first signed up with BBC council for just three sessions. The agonizing part was to be videotaped and watched myself fumbled and mumbled and stuttered. It was embarrassing and brought back painful memories of my inadequate past.

The course ended but not my pursuit of this new dream to be articulate. Everyday after work, I whipped out a book and practised reading aloud for twenty minutes to control my stuttering. Sometimes, I would tape myself though I hate my voice. It was not melodious enough.

Then I signed up for Dale Carnegie course that was available then. They taught public speaking and assured us that at the end of the ten sessions, we would be able to hold at least a 5 minute speech. On the first session, my self-introduction lasted 9 seconds. Among the students were professionals like myself, directors and managers, executives and office workers. We all had the fear of public speaking.

It was a well -organized course. The instructor’s message was forceful and inspiring each time . After his speech, the stage was ours. Each session, we were given a theme. It was ‘anger’, then ‘sorrow’ then ‘humor’ and so on and we were urged to prepare sincerely for our homework.

It was fun. The sessions were meant to elicit our emotions and in the process caused us to drop our facade and we would become our more authentic selves. We saw the improvement in each other. When the course ended, I felt that I have improved judging from the increased time I spent delivering my speech. No mean feat for an introvert.

The fear of public speaking never went away. So the quest to hone public speaking skill had to continue. It was during this time, I came across a Toastmasters club ( SIM II Toastmasters Club )which was gaining popularity among many clubs in Singapore. Toastmasters clubs are part of Toastmasters International, a non profit organization, first started by Ralph Smedley in the US in 1924.

Its purpose was to develop public speaking and leadership skills. But over the years, one develops increased confidence, listening skills, networking and many other intrinsic benefits. Today, it has become a movement with 357,000 members in 143 countries.

Benefits

That was in 1990 when I first joined SIM II Toastmasters club. Almost thirty years later, I am still with the club and we have certainly evolved. In the process of being a Toastmaster, we have taken on many roles during our chapter meetings from President to Vice president of Education to treasurer to secretary and so on. Each has its responsibilities and we learned new things other than our jobs. Most important, we learnt how to present a structured relevant speech that engages the audience, within the time allowed and speak with a good control of our nervousness if any.

During the chapter meetings, we also learn the proper and good use of English language which I find ever charming to my ears. Postures, gestures were all considered. We improve through the evaluations by more experienced fellow Toastmasters members and there is a mentor system as well to help new members get started.

Due to the diverse culture in the club and the sharing of ideas through project speeches, each member gains tremendous knowledge from outside their field and a better understanding of fellow members.

Significance of public speaking

I can attest to the benefits of Toastmasters.

People who joined public speaking courses and are willing to work at this craft would see tremendous personal growth. I have witnessed new members who came in without a system so to speak of putting across their ideas undergo change when they do their project speeches. A structured manual is given to new members. Once they get started, they should improve on the next speech following the evaluations given to them during the previous presentation.

Two members from China who were not particularly articulate at first but due to their own diligence emerged champions in club contests. The experience and recognition were also important attributes of their resumes. Subsequently, they have also advanced in their careers.

I have benefited much too. I feel more confident and have a sense of well being — — of being able to communicate effectively, of being able to negotiate better and understand others better as they may not be able to express themselves well. I have also succeeded in losing my ‘crutch’ which is my script to appear more professional. I have reduced my time fillers which are words of no meaning but used to fill silence during speaking such as ‘um’ , ‘ah’ and ‘you know’.

As a dental surgeon, I am able to explain succinctly my protocol to my patients and also handle any misunderstanding with ease. It all boils down to effective communication. Patients leave the practice happily, understanding the treatment they have received and this translates into more referrals. Everyday, it has been a pleasant working time.

The reality is that people at the top and in key positions are often people who are articulate. They are seen as leaders who dare to speak and can lead the followers. The truth is that people who can communicate well are seen as more friendly and attractive. The certainty is that you will have more success in what you want to achieve.

The ball is in your court

Do you want measurable personal growth?

Do you want to build self confidence and a sense of well being?

Do you want to advance rapidly in your career?

Do you want to be able to tell your stories and enthrall your audience?

Do you want to make more friends?

Do you want more opportunities in life?

Do you want to be respected for your ability to communicate?

Do you want to become more mindful everyday?

The benefits are immeasurable. I noticed that those members who brought younger children to observe the club meetings( they are not allowed to be members until 21 years old) improved in subtle ways. By inviting them to stand up and introduce themselves, it is a good start to becoming future toastmasters.

I followed these children and found that they have gone on to do well in school, participating in their school story telling contests. One teenager developed good communication skills and confidence enough to start a magic performance career.

Whether young or old, working or retired, public speaking is an essential skill to master. Life is so much more interesting when one is able to communicate well. Misunderstandings could be averted. Instructions could be carried out to a T. Opportunities opened up suddenly. This IS the secret to success and not many people are even aware of it.

The founder of Toastmasters International

SIM II Toastmasters club in Singapore

ways to increase your ideas are within your reach

I wrote several titles down in my draft but when I started typing, I drifted from topic to topic with nothing flowing from my pen. I went no further than a few sentences. I did not panic. It was not the end. Everything would be temporary. Suddenly, I became enlightened and I began to write about ‘mental block’.

It is not unusual to have a blank in our minds. That happened many times during my exams in University days due to the stress of studying. I was too anxious about the performance. When I looked back at the questions later, I would often regret greatly. I knew that I could have done much better even without mugging. The intensiveness of the situation had robbed me of the clarity of mind. All I needed was to relax, spot my questions, used my common sense. I had done regular studies anyway.

I am facing the same situation now and the past flooded back. It had also happened in my public speaking experiences. I would take a deep breath and wait. The mind is a wonderful thing that will serve you well if one does not coerce it too much. Soon the thoughts return. Ideas arise. We just need to believe in ourselves. When caught in a ‘stucked’ situation during writing, I learned to do the following…

1 Seek your strength in solitude. A quiet place, a corner, any place where you are unlikely to be interrupted and you will ease into a situation of mental activity that is not only productive but also far sighted. For me, it could be in the washroom sitting on the water closet, sitting at my desk even lying on the floor or bed. Just by myself.

2 Do not badger yourself over the loss of words. Get in touch with your feelings, your thoughts and your desires. Even a minute of meditation or a power nap does wonders. I am currently sitting at my desk in my room at 12.30am and ideas just flow. There are many ways to release your thoughts.

3 Sometimes I would play some music on my laptop while typing my story. I prefer soft music, something sentimental, sometimes classic that somehow elevates my mood and sets the tempo. It is as if my fingers are typing in tandem with the rhythm of the piece.

Once, I listened to a saxophone piece by Kenny G which was used as the background music to my recorded scuba diving tape and suddenly the wonderful underwater experience in the Maldivian waters played in my mind. There is something to write about.

4 The waft of aromatherapy even comes into play. To calm my senses, let flow the thoughts as I ruminate about the day, the week or the past. Positive or negative events, the aroma usually wakes my brain, sometimes it soothes it and I am able to narrate the incidents with a positive perspective of viewing them. Suddenly, I have so many stories to tell.

5 I found that old photos have a magical effect of evoking certain emotions that can spark a whole line of thinking. I marvelled at how time razed past me, how youth was especially a beautiful and special time. Getting older can make one more sanguine, it all depends on yourself. Youth was marked by a lot of angst and anguish because of the folly of youth. But as they say, they are only lessons from which we emerged better beings.

Judging from the amount of travel that my husband and I who are travel bugs did, the pictures make for innumerable interesting stories if we start to recall them. Travelling is indeed a source of inspiration for the mind.

6 The aroma of food and a delicious drink could stimulate my thinking cap. I am fortunate to have a domestic helper who is a great cook. I always said she is a Michelin one star cook. I watched her prepare her ingredients with great care and combination. Then the cooking began and she could transform those stuff into an art of a dish with an exquisite taste to go with. One time, my spouse was waxing poetical as if he had ascended to food heaven. My helper and I were totally amused how good food could elicit such a reaction. This incident or the cook herself and her intensive passion in culinary matters could well be an exhausting article to write about.

7 Now an idea pops up. Yes, it is walking which has a positive effect on creativity. A Stanford study has shown walking benefits one by boosting our ideas. Personally, whenever I feel stuck, I would walk to the kitchen, get a drink, move about in the garden for a while. Sometimes, I would go for my short brisk walking near my home and come back often with fresh ideas. That was an instinctive thing that I do.

Who says we have no ideas about what to write. Your five senses are your keys to writing. Use them. Most important, breathe and relax your whole being and see that every situation is temporary. Journaling has allowed me to get in touch with myself. These days, my mental blocks have decreased. Words, names , ideas, understanding, etc comes to me. It is a matter of patience and those steps mentioned may expedite it.

It is possible…. ignore the negative narratives

Conflict with in laws have been going on for eternity. Some gets resolved, others resulted in bitter disputes even causing the marriage to end between the couple.

The conventional thinking is that in law problems are between the man’s mother and the daughter-in -law but it can happen with the son-in-law and between the men too. In any case, we are all human beings with our own sensitivities, likes and prejudices.

I have encountered at least two situations where the marriages ended because of this family conflict . This is very likely to happen if they stay together under one roof and do not operate as an individual family unit, independent of each other and failing to respect each other .

One friend in her thirties told me that after she got married , her mother in law A was always coming in between to give her two cents worth on everything. The couple could never have privacy to discuss the solution to their problems.

It is not far fetched to say that there was a real case of mother in law B who came into the room to cuddle her son in the night and that really put off the wife. Some mothers forgot to cut off their apron springs so to speak and see their sons as still needing their love and care.

The interference intensified when children came into the picture. Now, the grandchildren were so loved by the grandmother that they could do no wrong. How could the young ones be taught some moral and ethical lessons when needed?

The typical Asian grandmother ( not all )would kick and beat the chair or the floor should the child fall hence the chair takes the blame. When the child grew up, he or she would not take the blame for any wrongdoing.

In another case, mother in law C warned my young friend that she did not want to see her son help in any housework as he was not brought up to do so. Stress simmered and with time, the marriage ended. Her expectation was that the wife should serve him and not turn him into a part time housewife.

Such parochial thinking but it happens often in Asian families where the woman is expected to be subservient and the man rules the house. In some Asian families, the males continue to stay with the parents even until late adulthood, not picking up personal responsibilities.

So one can imagine that in today’s world if the woman is also working, she would have to shoulder additional burden, that of work and housework and children as well as old folks. Even if there is a domestic helper, it is always handy to have a trained hubby to chip in as helpers do not stay with the family forever and they come with different abilities and may pose another challenge. All said, everyone should try to be useful.

There are cases of uncaring daughters in law or sons in law too. Having had comfortable lives in their own homes, they were not aware that getting married is a whole load of responsibilities and challenges. Being aware of this and doing what is dutiful and right would lead to a very cordial and happy relationship with the in laws.

So , how does one navigate this tricky affair? I guess we could approach from the perspective of the young couple and then the in-laws.

From the young couple ;

If feasible, it is best to stay on your own but with the respect and blessings of your in laws- as the saying goes, absence makes the hearts fonder.

The less contact you have, the less friction there will be. You could also always stay near your in-laws. I have seen much potential problems averted by smart in-laws who know not to butt into another family’s business. Unless help is requested .

1 Be wise — Always be polite and considerate. Even if you get caught up by work, make time to visit your inlaws, buy a little gift, share a little joke. This will strengthen the ties with them overtime.

2 Be positive– not every suggestion by your in law is an interference. Some points are valid. Acknowledge them , adopt them and thank them for it. Your in laws have more life experiences and can see the forest more than trees. They usually meant good especially when their own son’s or daughter’s welfare is involved.

3 keep your lines of communication open with your spouse. Don’t bear grudges. Discuss with your other half any issue amicably without criticizing his or her parents. If your in law has a less than ideal suggestion, thank her anyway and let her know that you would be trying your own way first. At least he or she would know that you are listening to him or her. Never bicker with your spouse in front of them or it would invite their interception.

From the parents who become in laws

1 Stop interfering in the matters of younger people and let them sort out themselves. The worst thing is to take sides and create more enemies. Be mindful that they are already adults who can solve their own problems.

2 Don’t nag about anything. Young working couple has stress of work as well as adjustment to a marriage and if there have kids, the situation may become more challenging. Offer help when and where they are needed. Give advice when requested.

3 Live by example. Be the role model parents that the young couple aspire to be. It is indeed heartening to see our parents always loving and get along well. This would encourage them to put in effort in their relationship too.

4 Shower love and respect. If you tend to hug your son or daughter, don’t forget to show some affection to his or her spouse too. Respect their wishes, dreams and hopes and expect the same from them.

Peace and harmony will prevail in any family if people make it a point to see and do things with the other party in consideration. The steps listed above would work wonders for the relationship with your in-laws.

The best is yet to be!

Stop saying, “ I am getting old!” Do you know what is the most frightening thing about aging? No, it is not the wrinkled look nor the aches and pains nor the lack of money, it is the lack of passion for life.

When a person grows older and exhibit that ‘Been there, done that attitude’ or lament, ‘ I am too old now’, his or her cup is full- there is nothing else that can thrill them anymore. The world is just a shade of gray.

In my society, when people hit sixty, they qualify as a senior and are accorded some privileges like discounts on medical care, shopping , transport and so on. It is the season to celebrate.

You have time on your hands. Your children are now older and your duties as their parents are done. You have gone through and survive the vicissitudes of life. You know that nothing is really so terrible that you cannot fix as long as you have the fortitude to overcome. It would be great if you still have your health.

But comes sixty, and some ‘older’ people give up trying. It is time to just lay back and enjoy the peace and quiet, for some folks it is after an almost lifetime of struggle. To cut yourself from the corporate world. To be free from the stress of learning new things. But how long can that sustain? Human beings have to continue to strive forward to adapt to the change around us. They need to be engaged with the human race. Life is meant to be a struggle- for betterment of self and society.

When you become too laid back, the world moves forward and soon you really feel that you are isolated. My experience watching others is that some senior people have become very phobic of the digital landscape that they lacked the confidence to leave their homes for their destination, to use the new facilities of the bank, to adjust to new ways of shopping. The outside world has changed but they had stayed stagnant and so become dependent on others which is a regrettable and cumbersome thing.

They become disillusioned when they needed to turn to others to help them to get stuff done. Most of the time, others are coping with the changes and their daily demands as well to put your request as a priority. They become more disappointed and some just withdraw into their own world. It is not too late if you put your time and interest to catch up and start learning. No resting on the laurels all the time.

The best thing as you grow older is never to stop learning and roll with the punches. Take the effort to find out how life is getting better in the modern world and not gripe about the change. Ride on the coat tails of this incredible transformation of our digital age.

Changes come about to make our lives more comfortable and convenient- if only you bother to interest yourself. And do not fear- human beings have great intelligence and propensity to adapt and learn just as they are smart enough to innovate.

One time in Zao of Yamagata, on the beautiful snowy landscape of this resort in Japan, I came across a Japanese couple in their sixties on the observation deck at the highest point of this ski mountain. We all had taken the gondola up. From the gondola, we could see skiers zipped around the frost covered trees known as snow monsters taking in the crisp air and the breathtaking scenery.

From our conversation, I learnt that they have stopped skiing because they had hit sixty. They loved skiing a lot in their younger days but one reason for stopping this sport is that they think that only the younger ones should be doing it. Well, their contemporaries have also retired from active sports too. There were no other reasons other than this self limiting thought. It was a pity as they were a physically healthy couple.

At another winter, my husband and I were at the ski resort of Kiroro in Hokkaido. We met an elderly Caucasian male skier, clearly in his seventh decade skiing with relish. We asked him if he had aches and pain in his knees by this age. Of course he had, he said and chronic injuries to boot. Then how did he manage to ski knowing that skiing can be hard on the knees? He revealed that he would not let anything get in the way of what he loves to do be it age, or physical handicap as long as he was still mobile. Then he revealed his knee replacements that had enabled him to continue his sport . We were indeed inspired by his attitude to enjoy his life.

Similarly, while doing muck diving in Indonesia, I was charmed by an elderly lady in her seventies who continued to scuba dive for leisure. This lady had travelled solo all the way from Canada. I was inspired and told myself I am going to live life to the fullest!

Currently, I have passed sixty a year ago. At my gathering with friends or colleagues, conversation always veered towards aging and its limitations. More talk ensued about finding what is or will go wrong with the body. Then the updating of who had gone before us. Some have forgone physical activities for passive ones to prevent injuries. I guess it is alright as long you are enjoying your new activity but not to stop something because it is the trend to do so at this age.

Given that the life span of elderly can now stretch into the eighties and nineties, I think it is important that as we grow older, our passion do not dim. Not when you love to do that something. Twenty more years is a long time.

When one just turns senior based on a chronological number, I feel the need to do more. The time will come when you would naturally not want to do any more of what you have loved or clearly it is contraindicated or you would have found new interests. But meanwhile, I think it is quite regrettable to look back and tell yourself, “ I wished I had…”

We should take a cue from passionate older people. The world is a beautiful place and we should continue to explore and marvel at nature and the spirit of some human beings. Do not let age limit your imagination. Be inspiring to the young as they embark on their life’s journey and see it as a beautiful one with limitless possibilities.

As we grow older, we become better not bitter.

I would like to share this short quote by Dylan Thomas;

Do not go gentle into that good night

Old age should burn and rave at the close of day

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

with passion, patience and determination…..and other steps

I fell in love with the Japanese language in 1980s when I was about 24 years old. It was through a television show where a Japanese singing contest was showcased that I discovered that the words and the music of this language appealed to me.

Learning a foreign language is very challenging and I think that it requires firstly passion and love for the language to embark on it seriously. Besides the language, I love the gentle immaculate Japanese culture, it’s cuisine, its people who seem ever so polite and the wonderful sceneries of Japan.

I had the good fortune to learn from an excellent Japanese teacher who started the Sachiko Japanese school in the 80s. The groundwork in language basics was very important. There will be a lot of rote learning and once you have the foundation right, the rest are like building blocks that you employ into sentence construction, narration and language mastery.

I won a pair of tickets to Japan after passing the basic Japanese test conducted by Ms Sachiko. Unfortunately, life got very busy with career and marriage and I never furthered my learning in the Japanese language until two decades later.

In my forties, my love for Japanese language was rekindled as there was more time on my hands as my children had grown more independent. I went back to another language school(Ms Sachiko apparently was no longer in Singapore) and discovered that my basics were still in my head! The advantage of studying at a younger age.

Then in the new language school, I studied along with younger mates who were quick learners and that spurred me to study as fast and as well as them.

As my lessons in Singapore were only once a week, it was a very slow improvement. The onus was on me to strive for good progress.

Besides, doing my homework, revising and preparing for the next lesson, I had no visible progress especially in speaking and listening probably only in theory. It was also due to the lack of exposure to the Japanese language.

One day, I came across an advertisement that was open to anyone interested in an immersion course in a Japanese school in Tokyo. That turned out to be my ice breaker to speak Japanese.

It was a memorable experience learning in a Japanese school for foreign students. I arrived alone (my first solo travel) but was picked up by the school charge. The rest of the students were Taiwanese leaving me the only Singaporean and albeit mature one.

Nevertheless, the school knew how to categorize us based on a simple test to put us in classes where the students are of the same proficiency. It was a refreshing and also embarassing for me as I was the oldest foreign student in the history of their school (48 then) and I was about the principal’s age.

Anyway, to succeed, one should not let trivialities stand in the way. I would have to prove that older people still have the spright and spirit to live it up! Turned out that the students were quite enthralled by a ‘motherly’ figure among them. But hey, I hoped that they would carry a positive message home to their parents — they should never stop learning !

A different language is a different vision of life.”
Federico Fellini

Everyday for two weeks, classes were conducted in the morning. Lessons were conducted according the standard of the class. Each morning, there was a short test on the previous days’ lessons before we embarked on new topics.

Whether one absorbed most of the contents did not matter, it was the familiarization of the sounds and sights of the words belted out by the teacher that would start my immersion in Japanese.

After class everyday, there was a daily cultural session such as Kimono dressing for one day, the art of making Japanese tea on the next day, and for other days, experiences like the Japanese art of dyeing materials, the hot spring experience and visiting popular places in Tokyo, etc. It was indeed an eye opener to Japan’s aesthetic culture.

Most evenings, if I was not out socializing with some of the Taiwanese students over dinner, I would go out alone to look for some social interaction to use the Japanese language.

I found that opportunity in the supermarkets and shopping complexes. Armed with my electronic dictionary, I embarked on my faltering Japanese. Salespeople were amused and helpful. After two weeks of doing that, it became natural to me to converse and I finally lost my shyness in using the language. Everywhere I went, train platform, in the train, in the shops, on the road, I tried to decipher the language which presented in three forms-Hiragana, Katakana and Kanji.

I was very happy to be able to work out the complex transport infrastructure in Tokyo. There are so many categories of trains, from slow to limited express trains to Bullet trains also known as Shinkansen. The train rides are a whole new experience to me. There are many train companies, some of them run on the same lines so one must be cautious to board the right one. They were also punctual to the second.

I looked at the advertisements in the train which were abundant and entertaining. I also loved looking at the meal menu and browsing the bookstores. The more I looked at Japanese words and phrases and decoded them from my dictionary, the more interest I gained. My understanding of the words, their meanings and usage increased. Listening was a challenge but was not insurmountable with repeated attempts.

There are so many ways to excel in Japanese. With the internet, one can join online language course or online chat forum. Books, magazines, YouTube, NHK website, etc are all means to further your learning. Today, there are innumerable apps that can speed up your learning too.

One good way is meet the acquaintance of a native speaker and exchange language lessons with each other. In Singapore, joining the Japanese corner of the Japanese Association is very beneficial as Singaporeans have many chances to interact with the volunteer Japanese teachers and fellow members on a Saturday afternoon.

I had the fortune to meet a Japanese friend who was interested to further her English speaking. We had exchange sessions twice a week and that was immensely helpful. Unfortunately, she went back to Japan and I would have to look for another ardent friend to learn together.

Though I have not reached an excellent level of speaking and understanding Japanese, I am glad to say that I have never been lost in Japan during my several free and easy holidays where I have ventured far out of Tokyo to other prefectures. Whenever, I used their native language, the locals could tell that I am a foreigner but the warmth and happiness were palpable. Someone is willing to learn about them ! I had many pleasant encounters.

“If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.”
Nelson Mandela

The overriding requirement in excelling in anything is the passion, patience and determination to carry through to your final goal and more. Nothing is impossible in today’s learning world.

In summary, to master a foreign language, I hope the following tips are helpful to you;

• Join a language school for regular course
• Do your homework and self-learning
• Use social media and language apps
• Join the association where you can have a mentor.
• Join an immersion course overseas
• Make friends with the natives
• Enroll for the exams
• Join the speech contest

Remember to do it with passion, patience and determination!

Good luck, folks!

Here’s why and how to deal with it….

Unhappy people complain all the time and things do not change one iota. Think about it, if you are unhappy about a person or a situation but nothing is done, it remains status quo. So that defeats the purpose of griping right?

Yet, very often, I hear people air their grievances about others in the lift, at the water cooler , while walking on the road, out of earshot of the very person they wish who would change.

Doing this is a perfect waste of your life. Every minute you indulge in badgering others is a minute lost on fixing your own stuff. (ノ_＜)

If that person’s rumblings get in the way of your progress, it is better to discuss them amicably with him or her and get on with life. It is for the betterment of both. Otherwise, it is just idle gossip consuming the best part of your day.

We do not know how others think. They may act in ways that we feel is senseless, unreasonable or even hurtful but it is only fair that you should approach him or her bravely and gently to seek the truth. To speculate is to further aggravate the situation or misunderstanding .

If you feel that you have been unfairly treated in any way, do not gripe to others as they cannot help you. Most friends would just avoid you as they may have a similar problem and are at wit’s ends too.

Worst still, you may become fodder for gossip among your confidant and his peer group. It happened to me. Once, I divulged a personal secret to my neighbour in my office premises. The next thing I was asked weird questions by other neighbours which alluded to my problem. I hope I did not become the talk of the premises then given these cues.

Do not become fodder for gossip !

Become the person whom people want to associate with . Be one who has the knowledge to share, to help , to be a source of compassion. Only then will people begin to respect you and want to be around you. Only then would others may even look to you for advice. ((o(^∇^)o))

When someone gives you the cold shoulder or poor service, they are the source of the problem. You could either ignore or help. You see that alot with sales staff, service people from all walks of life. Even in your family members. Do not gripe about them. The next day, they could be the loveliest people on earth! The time spent complaining about them could be put to better use. You could have read a few more precious articles on Medium and enrich your own life ! Unless in the process of expressing your dismay, you gained more insight into life.

Griping can become an ingrained habit that will put others off.

。・゜・(ノД`)・゜・。

So what do you do if there is a tendency to complain about something ?

1 Assess if you have a good reason to grumble. If the reasons are not known, it is pure nagging. It is unfair to make others listen to your grouses.

2 Is it the right channel? If you are complaining about the authorities, then bring it to them , not to your family and friends and colleagues who have may already be burdened with life’s incessant hassles. It’s a quick way to tune people out and you wonder why no one listens to you.

3 Find out if your listener has encountered a similar situation where they resolved successfully. Then, making sure that he or she is receptive to hear you out, you will likely receive some good advice to rectify your problem. Otherwise, it’s like talking to the air.

4 lf you feel that getting the problem out of your system would do good to your health, by all means vent it. But do approach someone who is strong and compassionate. We do not want to burden another weak individual who may be beset with many of his or her own problems. Even a pet could be a comforting partner to speak to.

。・°°・(＞_＜)・°°・。

If you are on the receiving end of the complaint, you could do the following;

1 Be compassionate– understand that life has alot of ups and downs for most people and not everyone can handle them with equanimity. Life may be kinder to you than others so be mindful and patient to a troubled soul.

2 listen out- this allows the complainant to air his grievances and is a form of therapy for him. Meanwhile, you receive life lessons from listening. The next time you need a listening ear, your friend may be there for you !

3 Use humor– it’s tricky and needs ingenuity. But when I try to look at the funny side of things, I can often lighten up the whole situation. The protagonist and I may laugh out together.

4 Brainstormand look at the positive aspects of what has happened and what good could come out of it. This can help your friend to change his or her perspective and the problem may not be so severe as initially perceived.

Complaining is an act that is pervasive in all societies though we tend to think that the people of certain countries are prone to moan more. People often grumble about the cost and standard of living, work conditions, relationships, weather, food, government policies and so on. Legitimate or not, resolution only comes when delivered through proper channels including self.

On a daily basis, we will continue to encounter grouses from ourselves and others. We can individually contribute to part of the solution if we can carry out the steps mentioned.