Confucius set the standard for the selection of good friends
Summer Lotus Jan 3rd 2021 5 min read
I subscribe to Confucius’ philosophy. In the Analects of Confucius(551 BC to 479BC)which contains the teachings and thoughts of this great Chinese philosopher and his disciples, we can glean the wisdom about making friends and their selection. Its fundamental philosophy is that he taught his followers to live righteous and virtuous lives.
Confucius believed that friendships should be unequal where the purpose is the cultivation of virtue. Yet like Aristotle, he believed that in a true friendship, he had advised that one should have a friend, at least as good as one is.
It then follows that we should befriend those who are better than ourselves so that we can learn from them. I suppose that would then lead to progress since if you want to be a good friend with someone better than yourself, you would be encouraged to exceed him.
Is there something to learn from someone who is your equal? Confucius described in this passage from the Analects: “in strolling in the company of just two other persons, I am bound to find a teacher. Identifying their strengths, I follow them, and identifying their weaknesses, I reform myself accordingly.” Indeed, sharing with other equals in the excellent moral life, or at least in the pursuit of virtue, is itself a spur to the good life for both.
Your friend is a reflection of your world and inner values. People do judge you by the friends who surround you. So, what are the type of friends we should look for?
From the analects of Confucius （论语), we have identified the following;
Good friends have these characteristics which are advantageous;
1. They are upright, magnanimous, and principled. — -Such a good friend knows what is wrong and right and will not lead you astray. He is of sound moral character, sincere, and would encourage you when you flinch or become decisive when you are hesitant in ways that are detrimental to you. You can trust that he would be there to advise you to the best of his ability. If he has made a mistake, he would also apologize, admit, and make amendments.
2. They are tolerant and forgiving. — A good friend understands that nobody is perfect and is prompt to be tolerant and forgive. These are some of the greatest virtues! He does not chide nor criticize and that causes his friend to feel even more ashamed and embarrassed. As a result, this may cause his friend to self-reflect on his shortcomings and errors and apologize for his mistakes. Indeed, tolerance and forgiveness are more effective.
He teaches us compassion in the process.
3. They are learned and well-informed. — A friend who is well-read and loves to progress along with the perennial changes in the world is not only more interesting but he can provide many solutions to your problems. He is akin to an open dictionary where you can get instant answers. Of course, there is Google in today’s world but there is nothing like the life experiences of a knowledgeable friend. He also inspires you to cultivate a higher level of intellect which you can then share with him or others and in turn, motivate the rest. This is a positive cycle of growth.
Bad friends have these characteristics that are injurious;
- Bad temperance — A friend who practices temperance in his daily dealings is an admirable one. He is one who shows self-restraint, is patient, and amicable in all situations. He defrays a sticky situation that is likely to explode or implode and is a welcome peace-maker. He would make a good friend as he is likely to be objective and can think outside the box. One who has lousy temperance usually has a short fuse and is not likely to resolve any crisis but more likely to inflame it further. Stay away from aggressive, impulsive, and hot-headed people.
2. Greedy and selfish — -A person who is greedy by nature is unlikely to see things in your favor. He acts for himself and would abandon you once the table is turned on him. Such a friend puts himself above everybody else and is not dependable nor loyal. Confucius advocated that friends should be dependable. Is your friend evergreen or just a fair-weather one?
“Even if the season be cold, we know that pines and cypresses are evergreen.” — -Confucius.
3. Indecisive — In normal parlance, we called it ‘wishy-washy’. Until he changes, this person must learn to become more resolute through effective and critical thinking and make a decision to set things right.
Having an indecisive friend may be a stumbling block to yourself and result in you missing opportunities. It may also confuse you as you make a critical judgment that can affect your career or relationship. This is not an ingrained trait and he will one day wake up to learn to think better through training, observation, and gaining knowledge.
A Chinese saying goes, ‘ You depend on your parents at home but when you are out, you depend on your friends.’ Making friends is not only significant, but they are also the joys of life. With friends, you could share your happiness and griefs, have a shoulder to cry on sometimes, and exchange life experiences and strategies.
However, human beings being cliquish, we tend to stick to people of our kinds as in the saying, ‘ Birds of the same feather, flock together’. Therein lies the danger. A friend may help you to your pinnacle of success but may also drag you into the pits of hell. It all depends on your choice of associating with the right people.
We know how the selection of friends can impact us along life’s journey. If we follow the standard that was set by Confucius, we can reduce our troubles and cultivate ourselves to our highest potential, at the same time inspiring others to pursue progress and happiness in our relationships with friends.
I do not want a friend who smiles when I smile, who weeps when I weep; for my shadow in the pool can do better than that. — Confucius
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