SUMMER LOTUS

It is possible…. ignore the negative narratives

Conflict with in laws have been going on for eternity. Some gets resolved, others resulted in bitter disputes even causing the marriage to end between the couple.

The conventional thinking is that in law problems are between the man’s mother and the daughter-in -law but it can happen with the son-in-law and between the men too. In any case, we are all human beings with our own sensitivities, likes and prejudices.

I have encountered at least two situations where the marriages ended because of this family conflict . This is very likely to happen if they stay together under one roof and do not operate as an individual family unit, independent of each other and failing to respect each other .

One friend in her thirties told me that after she got married , her mother in law A was always coming in between to give her two cents worth on everything. The couple could never have privacy to discuss the solution to their problems.

It is not far fetched to say that there was a real case of mother in law B who came into the room to cuddle her son in the night and that really put off the wife. Some mothers forgot to cut off their apron springs so to speak and see their sons as still needing their love and care.

The interference intensified when children came into the picture. Now, the grandchildren were so loved by the grandmother that they could do no wrong. How could the young ones be taught some moral and ethical lessons when needed?

The typical Asian grandmother ( not all )would kick and beat the chair or the floor should the child fall hence the chair takes the blame. When the child grew up, he or she would not take the blame for any wrongdoing.

In another case, mother in law C warned my young friend that she did not want to see her son help in any housework as he was not brought up to do so. Stress simmered and with time, the marriage ended. Her expectation was that the wife should serve him and not turn him into a part time housewife.

Such parochial thinking but it happens often in Asian families where the woman is expected to be subservient and the man rules the house. In some Asian families, the males continue to stay with the parents even until late adulthood, not picking up personal responsibilities.

So one can imagine that in today’s world if the woman is also working, she would have to shoulder additional burden, that of work and housework and children as well as old folks. Even if there is a domestic helper, it is always handy to have a trained hubby to chip in as helpers do not stay with the family forever and they come with different abilities and may pose another challenge. All said, everyone should try to be useful.

There are cases of uncaring daughters in law or sons in law too. Having had comfortable lives in their own homes, they were not aware that getting married is a whole load of responsibilities and challenges. Being aware of this and doing what is dutiful and right would lead to a very cordial and happy relationship with the in laws.

So , how does one navigate this tricky affair? I guess we could approach from the perspective of the young couple and then the in-laws.

From the young couple ;

If feasible, it is best to stay on your own but with the respect and blessings of your in laws- as the saying goes, absence makes the hearts fonder.

The less contact you have, the less friction there will be. You could also always stay near your in-laws. I have seen much potential problems averted by smart in-laws who know not to butt into another family’s business. Unless help is requested .

1 Be wise — Always be polite and considerate. Even if you get caught up by work, make time to visit your inlaws, buy a little gift, share a little joke. This will strengthen the ties with them overtime.

2 Be positive– not every suggestion by your in law is an interference. Some points are valid. Acknowledge them , adopt them and thank them for it. Your in laws have more life experiences and can see the forest more than trees. They usually meant good especially when their own son’s or daughter’s welfare is involved.

3 keep your lines of communication open with your spouse. Don’t bear grudges. Discuss with your other half any issue amicably without criticizing his or her parents. If your in law has a less than ideal suggestion, thank her anyway and let her know that you would be trying your own way first. At least he or she would know that you are listening to him or her. Never bicker with your spouse in front of them or it would invite their interception.

From the parents who become in laws

1 Stop interfering in the matters of younger people and let them sort out themselves. The worst thing is to take sides and create more enemies. Be mindful that they are already adults who can solve their own problems.

2 Don’t nag about anything. Young working couple has stress of work as well as adjustment to a marriage and if there have kids, the situation may become more challenging. Offer help when and where they are needed. Give advice when requested.

3 Live by example. Be the role model parents that the young couple aspire to be. It is indeed heartening to see our parents always loving and get along well. This would encourage them to put in effort in their relationship too.

4 Shower love and respect. If you tend to hug your son or daughter, don’t forget to show some affection to his or her spouse too. Respect their wishes, dreams and hopes and expect the same from them.

Peace and harmony will prevail in any family if people make it a point to see and do things with the other party in consideration. The steps listed above would work wonders for the relationship with your in-laws.

The best is yet to be!

Stop saying, “ I am getting old!” Do you know what is the most frightening thing about aging? No, it is not the wrinkled look nor the aches and pains nor the lack of money, it is the lack of passion for life.

When a person grows older and exhibit that ‘Been there, done that attitude’ or lament, ‘ I am too old now’, his or her cup is full- there is nothing else that can thrill them anymore. The world is just a shade of gray.

In my society, when people hit sixty, they qualify as a senior and are accorded some privileges like discounts on medical care, shopping , transport and so on. It is the season to celebrate.

You have time on your hands. Your children are now older and your duties as their parents are done. You have gone through and survive the vicissitudes of life. You know that nothing is really so terrible that you cannot fix as long as you have the fortitude to overcome. It would be great if you still have your health.

But comes sixty, and some ‘older’ people give up trying. It is time to just lay back and enjoy the peace and quiet, for some folks it is after an almost lifetime of struggle. To cut yourself from the corporate world. To be free from the stress of learning new things. But how long can that sustain? Human beings have to continue to strive forward to adapt to the change around us. They need to be engaged with the human race. Life is meant to be a struggle- for betterment of self and society.

When you become too laid back, the world moves forward and soon you really feel that you are isolated. My experience watching others is that some senior people have become very phobic of the digital landscape that they lacked the confidence to leave their homes for their destination, to use the new facilities of the bank, to adjust to new ways of shopping. The outside world has changed but they had stayed stagnant and so become dependent on others which is a regrettable and cumbersome thing.

They become disillusioned when they needed to turn to others to help them to get stuff done. Most of the time, others are coping with the changes and their daily demands as well to put your request as a priority. They become more disappointed and some just withdraw into their own world. It is not too late if you put your time and interest to catch up and start learning. No resting on the laurels all the time.

The best thing as you grow older is never to stop learning and roll with the punches. Take the effort to find out how life is getting better in the modern world and not gripe about the change. Ride on the coat tails of this incredible transformation of our digital age.

Changes come about to make our lives more comfortable and convenient- if only you bother to interest yourself. And do not fear- human beings have great intelligence and propensity to adapt and learn just as they are smart enough to innovate.

One time in Zao of Yamagata, on the beautiful snowy landscape of this resort in Japan, I came across a Japanese couple in their sixties on the observation deck at the highest point of this ski mountain. We all had taken the gondola up. From the gondola, we could see skiers zipped around the frost covered trees known as snow monsters taking in the crisp air and the breathtaking scenery.

From our conversation, I learnt that they have stopped skiing because they had hit sixty. They loved skiing a lot in their younger days but one reason for stopping this sport is that they think that only the younger ones should be doing it. Well, their contemporaries have also retired from active sports too. There were no other reasons other than this self limiting thought. It was a pity as they were a physically healthy couple.

At another winter, my husband and I were at the ski resort of Kiroro in Hokkaido. We met an elderly Caucasian male skier, clearly in his seventh decade skiing with relish. We asked him if he had aches and pain in his knees by this age. Of course he had, he said and chronic injuries to boot. Then how did he manage to ski knowing that skiing can be hard on the knees? He revealed that he would not let anything get in the way of what he loves to do be it age, or physical handicap as long as he was still mobile. Then he revealed his knee replacements that had enabled him to continue his sport . We were indeed inspired by his attitude to enjoy his life.

Similarly, while doing muck diving in Indonesia, I was charmed by an elderly lady in her seventies who continued to scuba dive for leisure. This lady had travelled solo all the way from Canada. I was inspired and told myself I am going to live life to the fullest!

Currently, I have passed sixty a year ago. At my gathering with friends or colleagues, conversation always veered towards aging and its limitations. More talk ensued about finding what is or will go wrong with the body. Then the updating of who had gone before us. Some have forgone physical activities for passive ones to prevent injuries. I guess it is alright as long you are enjoying your new activity but not to stop something because it is the trend to do so at this age.

Given that the life span of elderly can now stretch into the eighties and nineties, I think it is important that as we grow older, our passion do not dim. Not when you love to do that something. Twenty more years is a long time.

When one just turns senior based on a chronological number, I feel the need to do more. The time will come when you would naturally not want to do any more of what you have loved or clearly it is contraindicated or you would have found new interests. But meanwhile, I think it is quite regrettable to look back and tell yourself, “ I wished I had…”

We should take a cue from passionate older people. The world is a beautiful place and we should continue to explore and marvel at nature and the spirit of some human beings. Do not let age limit your imagination. Be inspiring to the young as they embark on their life’s journey and see it as a beautiful one with limitless possibilities.

As we grow older, we become better not bitter.

I would like to share this short quote by Dylan Thomas;

Do not go gentle into that good night

Old age should burn and rave at the close of day

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

with passion, patience and determination…..and other steps

I fell in love with the Japanese language in 1980s when I was about 24 years old. It was through a television show where a Japanese singing contest was showcased that I discovered that the words and the music of this language appealed to me.

Learning a foreign language is very challenging and I think that it requires firstly passion and love for the language to embark on it seriously. Besides the language, I love the gentle immaculate Japanese culture, it’s cuisine, its people who seem ever so polite and the wonderful sceneries of Japan.

I had the good fortune to learn from an excellent Japanese teacher who started the Sachiko Japanese school in the 80s. The groundwork in language basics was very important. There will be a lot of rote learning and once you have the foundation right, the rest are like building blocks that you employ into sentence construction, narration and language mastery.

I won a pair of tickets to Japan after passing the basic Japanese test conducted by Ms Sachiko. Unfortunately, life got very busy with career and marriage and I never furthered my learning in the Japanese language until two decades later.

In my forties, my love for Japanese language was rekindled as there was more time on my hands as my children had grown more independent. I went back to another language school(Ms Sachiko apparently was no longer in Singapore) and discovered that my basics were still in my head! The advantage of studying at a younger age.

Then in the new language school, I studied along with younger mates who were quick learners and that spurred me to study as fast and as well as them.

As my lessons in Singapore were only once a week, it was a very slow improvement. The onus was on me to strive for good progress.

Besides, doing my homework, revising and preparing for the next lesson, I had no visible progress especially in speaking and listening probably only in theory. It was also due to the lack of exposure to the Japanese language.

One day, I came across an advertisement that was open to anyone interested in an immersion course in a Japanese school in Tokyo. That turned out to be my ice breaker to speak Japanese.

It was a memorable experience learning in a Japanese school for foreign students. I arrived alone (my first solo travel) but was picked up by the school charge. The rest of the students were Taiwanese leaving me the only Singaporean and albeit mature one.

Nevertheless, the school knew how to categorize us based on a simple test to put us in classes where the students are of the same proficiency. It was a refreshing and also embarassing for me as I was the oldest foreign student in the history of their school (48 then) and I was about the principal’s age.

Anyway, to succeed, one should not let trivialities stand in the way. I would have to prove that older people still have the spright and spirit to live it up! Turned out that the students were quite enthralled by a ‘motherly’ figure among them. But hey, I hoped that they would carry a positive message home to their parents — they should never stop learning !

A different language is a different vision of life.”
Federico Fellini

Everyday for two weeks, classes were conducted in the morning. Lessons were conducted according the standard of the class. Each morning, there was a short test on the previous days’ lessons before we embarked on new topics.

Whether one absorbed most of the contents did not matter, it was the familiarization of the sounds and sights of the words belted out by the teacher that would start my immersion in Japanese.

After class everyday, there was a daily cultural session such as Kimono dressing for one day, the art of making Japanese tea on the next day, and for other days, experiences like the Japanese art of dyeing materials, the hot spring experience and visiting popular places in Tokyo, etc. It was indeed an eye opener to Japan’s aesthetic culture.

Most evenings, if I was not out socializing with some of the Taiwanese students over dinner, I would go out alone to look for some social interaction to use the Japanese language.

I found that opportunity in the supermarkets and shopping complexes. Armed with my electronic dictionary, I embarked on my faltering Japanese. Salespeople were amused and helpful. After two weeks of doing that, it became natural to me to converse and I finally lost my shyness in using the language. Everywhere I went, train platform, in the train, in the shops, on the road, I tried to decipher the language which presented in three forms-Hiragana, Katakana and Kanji.

I was very happy to be able to work out the complex transport infrastructure in Tokyo. There are so many categories of trains, from slow to limited express trains to Bullet trains also known as Shinkansen. The train rides are a whole new experience to me. There are many train companies, some of them run on the same lines so one must be cautious to board the right one. They were also punctual to the second.

I looked at the advertisements in the train which were abundant and entertaining. I also loved looking at the meal menu and browsing the bookstores. The more I looked at Japanese words and phrases and decoded them from my dictionary, the more interest I gained. My understanding of the words, their meanings and usage increased. Listening was a challenge but was not insurmountable with repeated attempts.

There are so many ways to excel in Japanese. With the internet, one can join online language course or online chat forum. Books, magazines, YouTube, NHK website, etc are all means to further your learning. Today, there are innumerable apps that can speed up your learning too.

One good way is meet the acquaintance of a native speaker and exchange language lessons with each other. In Singapore, joining the Japanese corner of the Japanese Association is very beneficial as Singaporeans have many chances to interact with the volunteer Japanese teachers and fellow members on a Saturday afternoon.

I had the fortune to meet a Japanese friend who was interested to further her English speaking. We had exchange sessions twice a week and that was immensely helpful. Unfortunately, she went back to Japan and I would have to look for another ardent friend to learn together.

Though I have not reached an excellent level of speaking and understanding Japanese, I am glad to say that I have never been lost in Japan during my several free and easy holidays where I have ventured far out of Tokyo to other prefectures. Whenever, I used their native language, the locals could tell that I am a foreigner but the warmth and happiness were palpable. Someone is willing to learn about them ! I had many pleasant encounters.

“If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.”
Nelson Mandela

The overriding requirement in excelling in anything is the passion, patience and determination to carry through to your final goal and more. Nothing is impossible in today’s learning world.

In summary, to master a foreign language, I hope the following tips are helpful to you;

• Join a language school for regular course
• Do your homework and self-learning
• Use social media and language apps
• Join the association where you can have a mentor.
• Join an immersion course overseas
• Make friends with the natives
• Enroll for the exams
• Join the speech contest

Remember to do it with passion, patience and determination!

Good luck, folks!

Here’s why and how to deal with it….

Unhappy people complain all the time and things do not change one iota. Think about it, if you are unhappy about a person or a situation but nothing is done, it remains status quo. So that defeats the purpose of griping right?

Yet, very often, I hear people air their grievances about others in the lift, at the water cooler , while walking on the road, out of earshot of the very person they wish who would change.

Doing this is a perfect waste of your life. Every minute you indulge in badgering others is a minute lost on fixing your own stuff. (ノ_＜)

If that person’s rumblings get in the way of your progress, it is better to discuss them amicably with him or her and get on with life. It is for the betterment of both. Otherwise, it is just idle gossip consuming the best part of your day.

We do not know how others think. They may act in ways that we feel is senseless, unreasonable or even hurtful but it is only fair that you should approach him or her bravely and gently to seek the truth. To speculate is to further aggravate the situation or misunderstanding .

If you feel that you have been unfairly treated in any way, do not gripe to others as they cannot help you. Most friends would just avoid you as they may have a similar problem and are at wit’s ends too.

Worst still, you may become fodder for gossip among your confidant and his peer group. It happened to me. Once, I divulged a personal secret to my neighbour in my office premises. The next thing I was asked weird questions by other neighbours which alluded to my problem. I hope I did not become the talk of the premises then given these cues.

Do not become fodder for gossip !

Become the person whom people want to associate with . Be one who has the knowledge to share, to help , to be a source of compassion. Only then will people begin to respect you and want to be around you. Only then would others may even look to you for advice. ((o(^∇^)o))

When someone gives you the cold shoulder or poor service, they are the source of the problem. You could either ignore or help. You see that alot with sales staff, service people from all walks of life. Even in your family members. Do not gripe about them. The next day, they could be the loveliest people on earth! The time spent complaining about them could be put to better use. You could have read a few more precious articles on Medium and enrich your own life ! Unless in the process of expressing your dismay, you gained more insight into life.

Griping can become an ingrained habit that will put others off.

。・゜・(ノД`)・゜・。

So what do you do if there is a tendency to complain about something ?

1 Assess if you have a good reason to grumble. If the reasons are not known, it is pure nagging. It is unfair to make others listen to your grouses.

2 Is it the right channel? If you are complaining about the authorities, then bring it to them , not to your family and friends and colleagues who have may already be burdened with life’s incessant hassles. It’s a quick way to tune people out and you wonder why no one listens to you.

3 Find out if your listener has encountered a similar situation where they resolved successfully. Then, making sure that he or she is receptive to hear you out, you will likely receive some good advice to rectify your problem. Otherwise, it’s like talking to the air.

4 lf you feel that getting the problem out of your system would do good to your health, by all means vent it. But do approach someone who is strong and compassionate. We do not want to burden another weak individual who may be beset with many of his or her own problems. Even a pet could be a comforting partner to speak to.

。・°°・(＞_＜)・°°・。

If you are on the receiving end of the complaint, you could do the following;

1 Be compassionate– understand that life has alot of ups and downs for most people and not everyone can handle them with equanimity. Life may be kinder to you than others so be mindful and patient to a troubled soul.

2 listen out- this allows the complainant to air his grievances and is a form of therapy for him. Meanwhile, you receive life lessons from listening. The next time you need a listening ear, your friend may be there for you !

3 Use humor– it’s tricky and needs ingenuity. But when I try to look at the funny side of things, I can often lighten up the whole situation. The protagonist and I may laugh out together.

4 Brainstormand look at the positive aspects of what has happened and what good could come out of it. This can help your friend to change his or her perspective and the problem may not be so severe as initially perceived.

Complaining is an act that is pervasive in all societies though we tend to think that the people of certain countries are prone to moan more. People often grumble about the cost and standard of living, work conditions, relationships, weather, food, government policies and so on. Legitimate or not, resolution only comes when delivered through proper channels including self.

On a daily basis, we will continue to encounter grouses from ourselves and others. We can individually contribute to part of the solution if we can carry out the steps mentioned.

you can become the successful speaker you wish to be

Understand human nature – We are naturally resistant to change. Change brings inconvenience, discomfort and uncertainty into one’s. life but from time immemorial. Change is always existing and evolving and its pace is not expected to slow down.

This is because human beings are intelligent creatures. We crave for the good life and so will always be innovative . Some push through barriers and obstacles, believing they can change the world , others are just swept along with it and have to learn to adapt to new ways.

As recorded in Marcus Aurelius’ meditations, he believed in the principle that ‘ The impediment is the way.’ You get what you want if you can overcome your obstacles- emotional state such as fear and physical barrier, intellectual barrier, etc

That first step- takes courage, a positive mindset and determination. Take the case of public speaking said to be number one fear of most people.

In my Toastmasters club, many of us avoid raising our hands to speak off the cuff during impromptu table topic session. I feared not having anything meaningful to say or embarrassing myself for a long time.

It took many years to volunteer on my own. Most meetings, I was not participative or was volunteered by another member.

Then one day, I decided that I am resourceful enough to share something even if may not be a great message. I would have dealt fear one more death blow to the fear of public speaking anyway.

This went on for many more times and it just became easier to raise my hand. Nowadays, even when the topic is clearly not in my authority or experience to talk about, I manage. As my control of my own emotions improve, my speech articulation and delivery also progress. Thoughts and ideas flow. The best thing was the sense of having tried and becoming more proficient with each session.

This goes the same for prepared speech session. For years, I could not let go of my script. It was my crutch and I always fear the awkward silence should I forget my train of thought.

One meeting, I put away the script and reassured myself that I have practiced enough to be confident. I also visualized myself receiving applause for my speech. Far fetched as it may sound, it did boost my confidence.

There was one time I faltered. I composed myself and ad libbed. It worked and I was soon back on track. The key is to keep composed when such things happen. If you realize that most of the time, the audience wants the speaker to perform well, it is easier.

Finally, after more than 25 years with Toastmasters Club, I can do my speaking project without notes👻!

Taking that first step has dramatically improve my life building self confidence and personal happiness. It also opened lots of opportunities for me as people like confident people.

These days, when I am interested to challenge myself to a task, I would always prepare myself for the first step- First, find out more about the task by researching it, consult experienced members, practise and surround myself with positive people. The first step towards a better and more meaningful life is within one’s reach!

Look back on your blunders and laugh…life’s not perfect!

As long as I have lived, I have made many blunders which I feel is just part of my life’s journey.

Some blunders are funny, some are hurtful but I think that on hindsight, they are kind of amusing now.

Way before I joined Toastmasters International to hone my public speaking skills, I was really bad at speaking. I was really an Ah Lian , a term in Spore that refers to the Chinese girls who do not speak proper English and dress quite oddly. By the way, my name has a ‘Lian’ in it and I was an awkward teenager. I did not know how to lapse into proper English at the right time.

One time, someone told me , ‘Hey! Do you know that so and so is getting married?!’ And silly me as a naive youth exclaimed, “hah! confirmed ah?!Confirmed? ” That was a ‘shortcut’ way of saying, “Really, is that so?” People laughed at my strange way of talking.

Native speakers may not understand this response as it is a typical Singlish way of speaking ( Singlish is Sporean English and this came about as there are many languages and dialects in Singapore resulting in the adulteration of Standard English. Yes, I could have responded more appropriately but I blundered unknowingly then.

Foreigners often looked puzzled when some Singaporeans speak but locals understand each other perfectly. When I sent my children to a boarding school in Melbourne, the Auzzie kids used to tell them, “ Speak English please!” But they were speaking English. It took them at least a term to understand my children’s brand and accent of English.

It was much later that I began to realize I needed effective communication skills not just for clarity but to gain respect and self confidence. 

As a young dentist, I still blundered mindlessly. At a dental conference, I bumped into my fellow dentist who was my lady lecturer during my student days. She used to be very sweet and slim but I forgot that she was already in her forties and she had gotten fat. I went up to congratulate her on her new pregnancy! She was aghast at my suggestion. On realizing that, I excused myself quickly and badgered myself over my impulsiveness and insensitivity.

As a matured dentist, I committed faux pas often as well. There was this lovely Japanese couple who came for their regular dental checkup. But there was one year his wife had passed away. He came alone and told us the bad news. I expressed my condolences and did the dental treatment solemnly. 

Then six months later, he came for check up again and I asked about his wife. When he told me that his wife had passed away, I apologized for my forgetfulness. 

Another six months later during his check up, I asked about his wife yet again. Meanwhile, my dental assistant gesticulated madly behind the dental chair with the treatment card that was marked in red ‘ do not ask about wife!’ She even made hand signal behind the patient to indicate that she had passed on. I apologized profusely to my patient. Subsequently, I swore never to stray from the subject of dentistry again.

Actually my husband blunders often too. One time, he went to his old friend’s father’s wake. They talked about old times and reminisced a lot. Then suddenly, my husband said, “Hey! I have not met your father for a long time! How is he?!” To that, his friend then pointed to the casket . Realizing his mistake, they all had a good laugh.

But some incidents were not so amusing and actually caused stress. Once, I was hosted by a couple in Canada in their opulent home. The next morning, in my enthusiasm to maintain the guest room in a pristine condition, I made the room and started with the toilet. 

So I first flushed the toilet bowl but it was slow to run water. I flushed twice more consecutively. To my horror, the toilet bowl started to well up with more water and it did not stop! Soon, it overflowed. I panicked when I thought how meticulous my lady friend was. I watched helplessly as water overflowed onto the wooden bathroom floor. It started to inch towards the carpeted room! 

I grabbed all the towels I could find, soaked up as much water as I could while shouting for my friend and divine intervention. Thank Goodness, the water stopped short of the carpeted room! 

Later, I apologized abundantly to my friend very much to her displeasure, I was sure. I told myself to slow my pace of doing things. Apparently, pace of life is so slow in Canada, the water system also responded slowly.

Life is full of silly mistakes but as long as there are lessons drawn from them and cause us to change for the better and become more mindful, they are contributing to our personal growth. I have also learned to forgive myself for my unintentional mistakes in the same way as I would forgive those who committed innocent faux pas against me.