Archives for February 2020

Look closer at your disappointments, troubles and crises—they may be blessings in disguise

China is a populous country with 5000 years of history. There are many folktales with great lessons that all of us could adopt into our lives.

One simple folktale , I titled it as ‘ blessing in disguise” goes this way.

Near the border of the frontier lived a rich merchant and his son. One of his horses strayed into the land of the Xiongnu tribe which is their nemesis. The rich merchant’s supporters consoled him but he calmly said, “why should I worry and hastily conclude that this is unfortunate?” He did not let this incident affect his business in any way.

Indeed , after several months, the horse being his lead horse came back with another fine horse from the land of the Xiongnu tribe. He had gained an excellent horse. The old man’s supporters were jubilant and they congratulated him. But the old man again calmly proclaimed , “Why should I be overjoyed and hastily conclude that this may be fortunate.?” He accepted this blessing with alot of grace.

The merchant’s family had a wealth of fine horses and his son loved riding them. But one day, his son fell off the horse and broke his leg. There was panic and the merchant’s men ran to him with the bad news.

Instead, the boy’s father calmly replied, “ why should I panic excessively and hastily conclude that this is unfortunate?” The merchant ensured that the son received the best possible treatment and leave it at that. He wasted no time to indulge in sorrow or regret.

It so happened that not long after, the Xiongnu tribe invaded the frontier. The government of the province sent an order that all able- bodied men had to go to war. When they came to the old merchant’s house, they saw that his son was injured and so he was not picked to join the war. In the war, many men perished . The old man’s son was spared because of his injury which turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

This story implies that it is difficult to tell the twists and turns of life. Misfortune can follow fortune and vice versa, it is difficult to predict. In any case, do not be overwhelmed.

What seems to us bitter trials are often blessings in disguise– —– Oscar Wilde

I like to cite some instances where I have tried to exercise some state of calmness and benefited in other ways unexpectedly.

I remember losing my way in the outskirts of Japan during a trip and felt quite bad for my friend. However, I convinced myself that that might not be a bad thing. I told my friend, “ Hey, since this is a new location and is not on the tourist radar, let us explore this place. We may find some surprises”. Indeed, we did. We ended up seeing some beautiful out of the beaten path places, interacting with the locals who were quite curious with us as there were few tourists around and sampled some of the best meals.

In another instance, at the place where I worked, a very experienced Oral surgeon set up his practice with his team of dentists. Though I cannot match him as a general practitioner in surgery skill and experience, I did not think this is a bad thing that his practice is near mine.

I was not overly worried about competition. At an opportune time, I approached the surgeon to get acquainted and found that he is a very knowledgeable and magnanimous guy who does not hesitate to share his wealth of experience. Subsequently, we co-managed on many cases and in the process I learnt a lot from him for which I am grateful.” Had I been extremely upset, I might not have thought of what to do. That would have led to bad vibes and I would not made a valuable friend of him.

There is also the incident about the story of the extremely happy groom that he drank himself into a stupor and made a nuisance of himself turning the happy occasion into an unhappy one. He was very upset with himself. Had he reined in his emotions, he would not have lost his self control and created such a ruckus. It proved to be positive for him anyway as his wife stood by him despite the embarrassing episode proving her ardent love for him.

Indeed, the media has plenty of stories of people who allow themselves to be overcome by their emotions- the road rage incident, the jealous killer, the arrogant colleague who thinks so highly of himself that he is not able to absorb ideas from others….

My point is:-

Whatever happens, it is paramount to have a calm frame of mind. Not to be excessively emotional but exhibit temperance. Neither being overly jubilant , extremely angry nor unduly distressed improves the situation.

I think of two positive ways to handle the vicissitudes of life:

1 Be consciously calm to handle matters as it confronts you. Whether good or bad , do not be thrown off your balance and lose your sanity. Basically maintain temperance in your daily life.

As the saying goes, “ What happens before you is not as important as what is happening in you”

2 Understand that in any issue there are two sides to the coin. As you suffer a loss, there is always a gain of sorts. It is a matter of perspective. So, remain positive.

Someone says that calmness of the mind is one of the jewels of wisdom. We must keep calm and sanguine in our daily lives. When happy or sad , never be extreme, as it clouds your vision and decision. Stay positive and soldier on whatever the consequences.

How to deal with this

It is human nature. Being imperfect mortal beings, our greatest flaw is seeing flaws in others other than ourselves. As such, as long as your are interacting with another human being, you would soon become aware of his or her preference, thought and mindset. More often than not, it will conflict with yours and you will have to find some way to deal with them.

Whether you are white or colored, thin or fat, young or old, pretty or ugly, tall or short, smart or stupid, rich or poor, man or woman, someone is going to hate you for what you are. The sooner you realize this, you would quickly learn to accept yourself and not be affected in any way by how others view you.

So, as a case in point ; You are very pretty and that is an asset right? People generally like good looking people as they seemed pleasant to converse with and to look at. Good looking people have more opportunities when it comes to job hunting and some even think they can make more money. But from the opposing camp, you may be viewed as an opportunist using your good looks to reach your goals. Jealousy is sparked as you easily draw attention to yourself, in other words you are seen as an unwelcome distraction. You may even be seen as an airhead since some people think that it is a compensatory mechanism -its either brain or brawn.

Being ugly (by whose standard anyway), other good traits would have to shine. You have to strive harder to be noticed for your talents and some may not see you as a threat if you are not outstanding.

Being smart, can one be discriminated against? Why not. You are seen as one with brilliant ideas and is a problem solver but you may also be viewed as one who is likely to usurp other’s coveted position. People may feel disadvantaged having you around as promotion may be bypassed for them. But being stupid, you are likely to get the short end of the stick, misunderstood, condemned to the status quo and may never receive due respect. At best, a foot soldier in the organisation.

Fat or thin , in excess, can draw good and negative responses as well. Fat people may construed as lazy, unhealthy and likely a liability. They may be seen as happy people too. Being too thin however, may also arouse suspicion of poor health.

The bulk of discrimination is often noticed when it comes to the age of a potential employee. Despite a wealth of knowledge and skills acquired, the older employee is often viewed as having slowed down considerably in pace and intellect affecting productivity. He is also seen as likely to have more health issues and inflexible to the changing world. The young is of course seen as inexperienced, impulsive and less insightful hence prone to making more mistakes.

Probably the characteristic of being tall or short is not so critical where discrimination is concerned but in certain occupations, it could be a requirement to fulfill a certain height. Being colored and otherwise has been an ongoing issue in the topic of discrimination for eons. Such that some countries do not allow race to be listed in employee’s advertisements.

A rich person may be discriminated when he is quoted higher for his purchase because of the perception that he can pay. A poor person may not even get service.

More prejudices are obvious between men and women. Statistics have shown men earning top dollar compared to women for the same job. The glass ceiling is for women though it has improved over the last decade. Women may be singled out as poor drivers and ineffective leaders due to our softer nature. There is often not a grain of truth in this situation. One must not be categorized.

So, with all the prejudices that will go on around us, how does the individual overcome? I believe that the individual holds the solutions to this problem. Five ideas are mooted;

Being your authentic self is the ultimate secret to happiness in life!—Sheri Fink

1 Self acceptance- Accept yourself as someone with unique traits and hidden abilities that have yet to be uncovered. As long as you know that everyone of us is not perfect and will tend to look for the dirt on a piece of paper so to speak. If you know that this is human nature, then you can go forth to to display your unlimited talent on your clean slate. Stand tall and true to yourself.

2 Ignore– Once a young man told me that he was feeling very slighted in his job as he was autistic. I told him that it happens to almost everyone at some time over something that may be imagined as well. He would do well to don his ‘armour’ everyday and toughen his hide to boot. The slings and arrows never stop. And forget about labeling himself as ‘autistic’ all the time . He was clearly an articulate man somewhat disillusioned in the real world that did not meet his expectations.

3 Know your strengths and weaknesses. We all know what we like and what we are good at. Magnify your strengths and this is by gaining more knowledge on what you are passionate about, research and learn more, get a mentor, go for courses etc. Empower yourself ! When your strengths show through in your career and personality, respect will automatically be accorded to you.

4 Spruce up yourself — — in the area of public speaking, appearance, networking, hobbies, habits etc . These are the basic elements of success. One rarely face bigotry when one speaks well coupled with a neat appearance . Networking increases your exposure and opportunities, hobbies make you a more interesting person to talk with and discarding bad habits brings you closer to but never perfection.

5 Diversify– Gone are the days when one work as a teacher or manager or any post from cradle to grave so to speak. Jobs have become ‘touch and go’. In today’s uncertain world that is constantly evolving with new ideas, concepts and applications, it is indeed to one’s great favour to acquaint ourselves with new knowledge and develop a second career or ‘business’. It may turn out to be a roaring success! Continuous learning applies to everyone who wants to overcome difficulties. In any case, life becomes more intriguing with more things to know about.

An author said, “No change can come if those who are impacted the most by discrimination are not willing to stand up for themselves. Let it be an impetus to the discriminated to prove their worth. Only you can stamp out prejudice.

—–sharing two simple concepts from countries with high happiness scores.

In today’s fast paced society, I happen to stumble upon two philosophies which I think could help us to become happier people. I have applied their principles in some way unknowingly and have since consciously been using them to attain calm and balance with much success.

First, the concept of Hygge, pronounced as (Hoo-ga)

This concept originates in Denmark. The danish people must be doing something right if Denmark is one of the happiest countries in the world.

Now this Hygge is quite abstract. It is not just a state of well being but a feeling of comfort and coziness in your lifestyle.

It is taking pleasure in simple things and laying off the constant go.

How does the danish people find their hygge moments?

Some of the ways they mentioned include mundane things like;

• Long walks in nature
• Cooking or even eating. a certain dish
• Clearing the clutter
• Turning the lights down and candles seem to be a constant feature in their homes
• Use of more wood in their homes instead of glaring , loud. colors- think IKEA.
• Self- pampering with skin care and grooming

But the essential thing is really to get into the action and be in the moment.

I have been indulging in some hygge moments without realising it.

For sometime now, whenever there is a pocket of an hour or so between appointments everyday, I would go to a cafe to enjoy my cup of coffee and then read some uplifting book. I realise that this simple act has made me very happy. It has increased my positive vibes and sense of well-being. Now I truly relish hygge moments and even would create them.

Last weekend, I was looking through my boxes of photographs, discarding many and filing the rest . In the process, the pictures evoked a lot of good times of my travel and that feeling I now diagnosed as a hygge moment.

Yesterday, I felt this special moment when I was stirring the cut celery into the porridge. I watched that serene blend of white and green, top off with some pink shrimps and crunchy squid spinning in my porcelain bowl as I stirred. It was an eclectic moment eating that for lunch.

Not to mention the exquisite taste from making food with love.

The other mindful concept is Lagom. Lagom originates from Sweden , another happy country.

It talks about the idea of adopting a middle ground- not too little, not too much- the art of balancing one’s life. Not over indulging in materialism nor bad habits. The practitioners of Lagom in Sweden are mindful of striking this balance .

You can have Lagom in your lifestyle, your behaviour, home furnishings and food, etc even your clothes.

Singapore lacks Lagom- there is a culture of over-work and constant hectic pace. We are an ongoing train. People move, speak and eat fast, chasing deadlines and lofty goals often at the expense of personal peace. We may have a high standard and a high cost of living but we would do well to incorporate this philosophy into our daily lives .

While enjoying my hygge time in a cafe the other day, unraveling the secrets of a best selling thriller over coffee, I witnessed one lady talking to the air at the table opposite mine. Sadly, I think that it is just the stress of life that had made her snap. Let not this happen to any of us.

In this coming New Year, I wish for everyone to seek more hygge moments in your life and always ask yourself , “am I Lagom?”