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Confucius set the standard for the selection of good friends

Summer Lotus Jan 3rd 2021   5 min read

I subscribe to Confucius’ philosophy. In the Analects of Confucius(551 BC to 479BC)which contains the teachings and thoughts of this great Chinese philosopher and his disciples, we can glean the wisdom about making friends and their selection. Its fundamental philosophy is that he taught his followers to live righteous and virtuous lives.

Confucius believed that friendships should be unequal where the purpose is the cultivation of virtue. Yet like Aristotle, he believed that in a true friendship, he had advised that one should have a friend, at least as good as one is.

It then follows that we should befriend those who are better than ourselves so that we can learn from them. I suppose that would then lead to progress since if you want to be a good friend with someone better than yourself, you would be encouraged to exceed him.

Is there something to learn from someone who is your equal? Confucius described in this passage from the Analects: “in strolling in the company of just two other persons, I am bound to find a teacher. Identifying their strengths, I follow them, and identifying their weaknesses, I reform myself accordingly.” Indeed, sharing with other equals in the excellent moral life, or at least in the pursuit of virtue, is itself a spur to the good life for both.

Your friend is a reflection of your world and inner values. People do judge you by the friends who surround you. So, what are the type of friends we should look for?

From the analects of Confucius （论语), we have identified the following;

Good friends have these characteristics which are advantageous;

1. They are upright, magnanimous, and principled. — -Such a good friend knows what is wrong and right and will not lead you astray. He is of sound moral character, sincere, and would encourage you when you flinch or become decisive when you are hesitant in ways that are detrimental to you. You can trust that he would be there to advise you to the best of his ability. If he has made a mistake, he would also apologize, admit, and make amendments.

2. They are tolerant and forgiving. — A good friend understands that nobody is perfect and is prompt to be tolerant and forgive. These are some of the greatest virtues! He does not chide nor criticize and that causes his friend to feel even more ashamed and embarrassed. As a result, this may cause his friend to self-reflect on his shortcomings and errors and apologize for his mistakes. Indeed, tolerance and forgiveness are more effective.

He teaches us compassion in the process.

3. They are learned and well-informed. — A friend who is well-read and loves to progress along with the perennial changes in the world is not only more interesting but he can provide many solutions to your problems. He is akin to an open dictionary where you can get instant answers. Of course, there is Google in today’s world but there is nothing like the life experiences of a knowledgeable friend. He also inspires you to cultivate a higher level of intellect which you can then share with him or others and in turn, motivate the rest. This is a positive cycle of growth.

Bad friends have these characteristics that are injurious;

1. Bad temperance — A friend who practices temperance in his daily dealings is an admirable one. He is one who shows self-restraint, is patient, and amicable in all situations. He defrays a sticky situation that is likely to explode or implode and is a welcome peace-maker. He would make a good friend as he is likely to be objective and can think outside the box. One who has lousy temperance usually has a short fuse and is not likely to resolve any crisis but more likely to inflame it further. Stay away from aggressive, impulsive, and hot-headed people.

2. Greedy and selfish — -A person who is greedy by nature is unlikely to see things in your favor. He acts for himself and would abandon you once the table is turned on him. Such a friend puts himself above everybody else and is not dependable nor loyal. Confucius advocated that friends should be dependable. Is your friend evergreen or just a fair-weather one?

“Even if the season be cold, we know that pines and cypresses are evergreen.” — -Confucius.

3. Indecisive — In normal parlance, we called it ‘wishy-washy’. Until he changes, this person must learn to become more resolute through effective and critical thinking and make a decision to set things right.

Having an indecisive friend may be a stumbling block to yourself and result in you missing opportunities. It may also confuse you as you make a critical judgment that can affect your career or relationship. This is not an ingrained trait and he will one day wake up to learn to think better through training, observation, and gaining knowledge.

A Chinese saying goes, ‘ You depend on your parents at home but when you are out, you depend on your friends.’ Making friends is not only significant, but they are also the joys of life. With friends, you could share your happiness and griefs, have a shoulder to cry on sometimes, and exchange life experiences and strategies.

However, human beings being cliquish, we tend to stick to people of our kinds as in the saying, ‘ Birds of the same feather, flock together’. Therein lies the danger. A friend may help you to your pinnacle of success but may also drag you into the pits of hell. It all depends on your choice of associating with the right people.

We know how the selection of friends can impact us along life’s journey. If we follow the standard that was set by Confucius, we can reduce our troubles and cultivate ourselves to our highest potential, at the same time inspiring others to pursue progress and happiness in our relationships with friends.

I do not want a friend who smiles when I smile, who weeps when I weep; for my shadow in the pool can do better than that. — Confucius

Summer LotusJan 2nd 2021 2 min read

Confucius said, “Have no friend who is not your equal”. He meant that we should make friends who are better than us so that we can learn from them. He believed in the purpose of cultivating ourselves through friends.

While I agree that if one were to move ahead, we need to befriend people who are at least as good as ourselves or better as advocated by my favorite philosopher Confucius, people are not born equal.

In real life, everyone has a different type of talent. If A is not as good in the skill that you are interested in, he certainly would have talents in other aspects and it is up to us to excavate them — -if you are keen to learn that particular skill from them.

I believe in trying to be an all-rounder. If I am not as good at writing compared to a fellow writer but am good in the creative aspects of images, it behooves the other party to learn from me my secret and I from him his strategy. It should be a win-win situation. In fact, I make friends from many trades so that we can learn from each other but in my own vocation, I seek mentors.

Following my esteemed philosopher, Confucius strictly would be a parochial way of living. You may even reduce your circle of friends. That will restrict your growth and the joy of living in an expansive world.

So, while ancient sages had immense wisdom to teach us, we must also exhibit flexibility in our thinking and not take their advice per se.

Life will always have disruptions

Summer Lotus Jan 2nd 2021 2 min read

The pandemic has been disruptive in many ways; people are cooped up at home all day especially during the lockdown, getting on each other’s nerves. One has to get used to WFH which may suit some people but an uncomfortable adjustment for others. Your favorite place to dine was no longer available because it was not sustainable due to the poor economy.

I even detected changes in people’s psyche. People became more distant not just in the safe distancing sense. They have lost the touch of friendship. There was no enthusiasm to meet up for a coffee to catch up on the last few months. There is a sense of weariness. in the queues, in the normal routine and you even spot it in people’s eyes.

Sometimes, it became ridiculous. One said she would not go to the ATM machine to draw cash anymore since the booth would be touched by many others. Others would not go to the cinemas because of shared air.

I think we have to put things in perspective. As long as you do the recommended strategies of wearing your mask, safe distancing, safe entry, and frequent hand washing, keeping healthy, leave the rest to fate.

The virus already has a variant and has reared its ugly head again. Rather than continue to live in a limited way, we need to remind ourselves that there are still goals to meet and lives to enjoy.

Look at how others adapt without surrendering to crises and appearing helpless. Pick up a skill, a Covid-free one such as skills learned on the internet, read more about people who reinvent themselves, keep in touch with friends through the media and just go out and savor nature.

Some people have found their talent in baking, photography, writing, website creations, teaching online, etc

The world is at your feet, Covid or not. Don’t let time pass you by as this is just another event of many historical events but would pass eventually. Just stay safe but still seize each moment to fulfill without griping.

It has been a challenging year in Singapore

Summer Lotus 4 days ago 3 min read

Thankfully, the general public has been co-operative in Singapore by sticking to the rules of ‘wash hands frequently, wear masks, safe-distancing and stay home if necessary’ rules and have been able to prevent a resurgence of the Covid-19 crisis. Enforcement of the laws has been very successful.

The Government has also done its best to ‘save jobs, support workers, and protect the businesses’ with its massive budget and continues to monitor the situation to prevent further disruption by the spread of infection. Despite the retrenchment of workers, poor business suffered by some sectors, and general malaise, everything comes alive for Christmas to remind us that we must remain upbeat.

Though it was a grim year, Singaporeans did not let that put a damper on the festive Christmas mood. Walk around and we will see — love, hope, and faith!

Orchard road is always lighted up, Covid or not. It attests to our spirits which we will always keep high to overcome any adversities. It is still the most exciting street in Singapore during Christmas with its iconic festive lights, bustling malls(safe measures taken of course), irresistible deals, and innumerable alluring shops.

Meanwhile, step out of this famous street and be amazed by a myriad of themes and displays elsewhere. Singaporeans are a positive lot. We will enjoy Christmas and look forward to a better year in 2021.

It is a true celebration of the human spirit.

At Chjmes, formerly a girls’ school and now a place of fine restaurants and exquisite shops, Covid has inspired some indoor decorations that allow customers to enjoy their meals limited to 5 people per group. Soon, in phase 3, it may be increased to 8 people.

Orchard Road is bursting with the colors of the season. Despite Covid, tourists were seen milling around, taking pictures of all the displays.

A rainy Xmas night bathed in the beauty of the lights.

Believe me, you cause your own misery.

Summer Lotus Dec 23  4 min read

As we grow older, we should come to the realization that many failures in relationships, career, and accomplishments often boils down to ourselves — the cause of all things that did not turn out the way you want.

Being human, when things go wrong, that finger of ours tend to point at somebody else or some circumstances. But, be aware that there are at least three fingers pointing right back at yourself.

I noticed it too often. It is just a human weakness that we do not first look at ourselves and see if we have played a part in the dilemma. Like the tag line in the movie, A Few Good Men, “ You Can’t Handle The Truth!” Because the truth hurts! You deny that you have some unsavory traits that you should get rid of.

Most people can’t because it is an indication of their weakness, an embarrassment to themselves, or just being a flat-out liar. The sooner you own up to yourself and others if you have any inkling that you did something wrong or had a part in it, resolution begins and a happy ending is on the way. An awakening too, as such mistakes rarely surface again.

Why do you not achieve what you desire? The following are likely causes of the misery we brought upon ourselves.

1 Being impulsive. — — Many people tend to react rather than respond to situations. Hence, whatever they say or do rarely solves the problem and more of relief of their pent-up feelings.

This may trigger more anger to the opposite party and the problem balloons.

Stay calm, step back, and reflect a little before responding. Most sticky situations can be alleviated.

“Look before you leap for as you sow, ye are like to reap” — — Samuel Butler

2 Being irresponsible — -An irresponsible person is one who is careless of the consequences of his action and often has to pay the price in terms of ruined relationships personally or in business.

If a person is careless in his remarks or his dealings with other people, he loses the faith and trust of others. You are the master of your destiny. Even if you think that fate has a hand in a situation, you can turn it around by making wise and sensible choices.

When things go wrong, find solutions to redeem the situation as it shows a sense of responsibility and respect for oneself and others. Then you get a second chance instead of condemnation.

Take responsibility and do something proactive as this is a better bet to prevent hiccups.

3 Being egoistic — — An egoistic person is one who is so self-centered and self-loving. Pride is one of the biggest hurdles to success. Pride prevents you from feeling remorseful for any wrong action committed or hurtful words that you have said. It perpetuates the mistakes since nothing wrong is felt.

An egoistic person is usually resistant to change because he thinks that he is already at the pinnacle of his life. Until someone better comes along and knocks him off his pedestal. He rarely says sorry as it demeans him.

Learn to apologize when you are wrong and you will be surprised how people become more forthcoming and co-operative with you. Relationships are rectified or salvaged. However, this hurdle of eating humble pie can only be overcome by the person himself.

4 Being a poor listener — — I have come across people who think they are good enough where career or personal growth is concerned. A person becomes resistant to change when he thinks that he has all the answers.

There is a story about a scholar who wanted to seek advice from a zen master but was so full of his own ideas and opinions that he interjected repeatedly. When the Zen master suggested that they have tea, the master poured the tea into his cup until it overflowed.

The scholar exclaimed, “ Stop ! The cup is full already!”. To that, the Zen master replied, “Exactly. You are like this cup, so full of ideas that nothing more will fit in. Come back to me with an empty cup.”

Be open to suggestions from others. Listen and imbibe what is good. We learn more by accepting that change is ongoing. I like to have mentors who are young and old as long as they can teach me to be a better person.

5 Being unrealistic — —An unrealistic person is a dreamer, and is usually unpractical. Especially when you have lofty goals but no concrete plan to reach them. Nothing is achieved without effort.

In order, not to cause misery and disappointment to yourself and others, assess your goals carefully that they are reachable and you have the steps and necessary skills to reach them. Or at least have the right people who can help you accomplish your desired results.

Self-reflection is key if we want to achieve our goals. In today’s hurried world, we rarely ponder about what hinders us. We step over ourselves and get in our own way. Work at ridding off these undesirable traits and the road to success is smoother than you imagine.

This is the ingredient of a successful after-dinner talk.

Summer Lotus Dec 31   5 min read

By Rosalind Ho

A challenge arises when your host asks you to give a short speech after dinner. Usually, the host would have requested that you speak after the dinner in which case you could prepare beforehand. Sometimes, the host may spring a surprise by asking you immediately after dinner and that is the stress of tackling an extemporaneous speech. Speaking of the cuff is never easy. It requires quick thinking and wit to keep the audience engaged.

The audience has dined and may have already felt the headiness after some wine and good food. All they want is some nice interaction with their fellow diners and banter away. Many of them may be fidgety and getting a little restless.

Your challenges;

1 Entertain them somewhat. However, know the purpose of the speech — informative, persuasive, inspirational so there is some direction.

2 Make the appropriate comments that would please your host as well as your audience.

3 Make them laugh which would be valuable.

4 Impart some worthwhile thoughts they can leave the party with. Inspiring, motivating, and informative are some considerations.

What can the after-dinner talk be about?

It should be relevant to the theme of the party. Avoid taboo subjects like sex, race, religion, and politics. People have varying beliefs and ideas. The topics mentioned are very divisive so be cautioned. This is not the time to start a crusade about your beliefs. The gathering is about the main character or event concerned and not about anybody else.

Remember the audience is already very relaxed so it is not good to rile them with controversial topics. We want to build on the excellent atmosphere of fellowship and continue from there.

The guests have gathered for a reason — A birthday party? Graduation or Anniversary? An award or promotion celebration? Or just old friends gathering for the evening? Keep the purpose of the gathering in mind as you prepare your talk. If you have been invited to speak at the dinner, you should ask about the purpose of the dinner and reflect on your host’s merits and his special guest if any beforehand.

If you have been appointed to give an after-dinner talk by the host, it would be wise to show your script beforehand to gain the approval of the host. He or she may contribute more ideas.

Points to note about after-dinner speech

1 Be brief. — Unless you are a seasoned speaker who can arrest the audience’s attention, a 10-minute speech is enough to stretch their focus and patience before they start whispering and have a mini chat among themselves. If you have humorous, relevant anecdotes to narrate, an extension of 5 more minutes may just be ideal. This is from my observation at invited dinners.

2 Be mindful — -If the dinner has already been delayed for some reason and there are further programs like a business session or other speakers in line, then you have to cut your address accordingly. If the salient points are mentioned, it does not matter if your speech is a short one.

Be aware of the audience’s mood, body language, and facial expressions. If something said is not agreeable, be spontaneous enough to change the subject. As a speaker, remember to use a light-hearted tone and keep smiling! Pausing at the right moment to allow the jokes to sink in and the audience to laugh is very effective before moving to the next point.

3 Be positive — -People generally want to hear the good stuff. Think of all the wonderful aspects associated with the host, the audience, and the opportunity to be at the dinner. Do not mention anything embarrassing unless you have sought permission from the person whom the dinner’s theme is centered around. The host should also be consulted.

Unless it is a dinner designed to roast the host, remain courteous and respectful. Even a roasting speech can be polite and needs style and subtlety which is not easy.

Stay with a positive message. Remember the first and last thing sticks!

4 Be entertaining — If you recall, there are bound to be some humorous episodes that reflect the humorous side of your host or the person in question or you would not be asked to speak. The best approach is to be original with your jokes based on your experience. You might do well to keep some short jokes in your arsenal for such times. However, these jokes should be in line with the theme of the party.

Incorporate some rhetorical devices like metaphors, puns, exaggeration, understatements, etc that are often used in interesting speeches. Some drama may be necessary to give that punch!

5 Be respectful — -Always observe the protocol of a speech. Greet everybody, tell your story with ease and spontaneity, and thank your host for the invite and everyone for their attention. Keep a smile on your face and don’t act so serious. Most minds are already quite foggy after a big dinner. Courtesy begets courtesy and everyone goes home happy.

😄 😄 😄

Structure of the after-dinner talk

The humorous talk should be structured like any speech with an opening that is attention-grabbing and prepares the audience for some enlightenment. The body should follow the theme of the gathering, reinforced by stories and relevant jokes. The conclusion should end on a high note and not be a summary or personal call for action for some agenda unless instructed by the host. ( Example, small fundraising is the purpose of the gathering).

For more points about humorous speeches, you may read this article.

Always ends with a toast to the successful gathering and a big thank you for the opportunity to speak after the dinner.

Conclusion

An after-dinner talk is probably one of the challenging talks to give. Given the relaxed atmosphere, sometimes there may be more noises and even some interjections when people let their guards down after some drinking some wines. An excellent speaker takes all these in his stride and continues to deliver his speech together with his humor at a steady pace.